23 February, 2005
the guy who snuck up behind me last night and jammed a javelin betwixt the vertebrae in my neck please alert me immediately so I can track him down like the sneaky sadistic bastard that he is and and beat him senseless with his own elbow. Just make sure he isn't on my right because my head doesn't want to turn that way.

I hate it when I sleep weird. It probably doesn't help that we're still sleeping on the same mattress I bought for my first apartment in college about 15,000 years ago. It wasn't a high end mattress in the first place but the lady said it'd get me through college. Little did she know that I'd never finish college and 8+ years later I'd still be sleeping on it. So now I'm in the market for a new bed.

I figure if I have to save for one anyway I should at least try to budget for a bigger and better one. I got this one when it was just me that'd be partaking of it. (and since my mom reads this on occasion for the purposes of this blog I was the only human to ever get within eyeshot of my bed till I married M. seriously. no one else. forget what you've heard. just me. no really. i love you, mommy.) Now each night you can find piled on the same mattress a good chunk of the population of this house. We stuff M, Big Fat Gus, and Big Fat Ruby, and me in it along with almost 43.2 million pillows of varying size and color (I'm prohibited by Girl Law to reveal the true necessity and nature of throw pillows. Rest assured, they do have a purpose. And no, your girlfriend/wife/female in your life will not tell you what it is.) along with 2 separate comforters (since M can't seem to grasp the concept of cover sharing). Every other weekend it houses me, BFGus, BFRuby, Princess protege, an array of remote controls that go to any number of televisions/DVD's/stereos/etc. and the entire population of the Polly Pocket and American Girl Doll worlds. After Princess passes out from exhaustion we move her to her own room and M gets the chance to convince me why I should let him share the bed. Once I get free space I make myself comfy right smack in the middle. Even the dogs aren't safe from my bed hoggage.

So now I think it might be time for an upgrade. The queen mattress and boxsprings that was quite sufficient when I was 20 is severely lacking in square footage now that I'm...ahem...not 20 anymore. A queen size barely accommodates the square footage of my own ass now. So I'm in the market for a California King size. In fact, if I can find something bigger than that then that's what I want. If I could just have a mattress custom made to fit the entire volume of our bedroom I'd happily save and shell out the buckage for it. I just want to turn my whole room into one big bed.

When you think about it carefully you can see the benefits of having a room size bed:
* no vacuuming. when vacuuming time comes around you just change the sheets and move on. i hate vacuuming. i prefer laundry to vacuuming any day.
* bed hoggage is a thing of the past. if your spouse wanders into your bed space by mistake you can just give him a shove and he rolls out the door and into the family room. just follow close enough so you can lock the door before he wakes up and tries to get back in.
* no straining your back trying to lift the extra chunky beagle with back problems onto the bed. this applies to Ruby. no one can say we starve her, that's fo damn sho.
* no trying to retrieve things that have fallen and rolled under the bed. if they are under the bed now they are in the crawlspace and there isn't a chance in hell I'm going down there. whatever it is i don't need it that bad. i'll just buy another one.
* you can lay in bed all day long and say that you're just cleaning your room.

I'm all for it. However, if I save and scrimp to get a big giant bed it's MY bed. Forget M. There are 3 other bedrooms in this house. He can get his own. That'll teach him to steal my favorite blanket.

Posted at 3:57 PM

22 February, 2005
that makes me sad. but he lived and that makes me happy. and he documented himself living and that is a very good thing.

thanks for the words, gonzo.

Posted at 1:17 PM


Not only is this title representitive of my favorite songwriting Jeffrey in the whole world (Mr. Steele), it also must describe what's going on in this house today. Grandmonster musta drunk something funny. She's being weird. I almost thought I got up in the wrong house this morning and went to check the house number. Of course then I saw that there is still a wooden cowboy cutout leaning againt the shutters in the front yard so I knew it was the right house. Cloning is still a possible explanation. I've plucked one of the 4 hairs out of her head and am calling Maury Povich to see if he can have his crack team of scientists run a test or something.

Here's how things went down. M took a vacation day today because he had to go to court for an accident he was in a couple of months ago. Of course I took care of the grown up side of dealing with the accident (because it is apparently how I roll) like filing with insurance and getting paperwork together (becuase he didn't have his insurance card in the car at the time) and checking court dates and figuring out what he needed to have today and all the other good stuff. Then Grandmonster started in with the bitching about how she had to take 2 different medications each day and it's too much to keep up with and get filled all the time and figuring out how much each is gonna cost (and those of you who know me understand why it is is that I have precisely zero sympathy for her on that front). So Lola snatches the prescription bottle out of her hands and calls the pharmacy and has it refilled, finds out how much it is and how many refills she has left so she can get a new scrip from her doctor at her next appointment (which I made for her) next week and sends M out to pick it up.

Then she starts in on why it is that she thinks the dumpster (yeah, the one I rented to get rid of all her shit) cost more than the deposit we had put down on it and why it was probably the dumpster people's fault that we owe them money and wasn't that a while ago so why are they just asking for the money now and it had to be their fault it was more than the deposit because when we called them to pick it up they couldn't get to it till the next day so that was what the overage was, right? And she can spare $50 since we don't have the money to pay them. Lola, working on a total combined four and a half hours of sleep for the last week, snapped. The monologue is as follows:

FIRST OF ALL, the overage was because we had a limit of a total of 12 tons that we could put in the dumpster before they charged us more. We had a total of 14 tons and some change that was actually in there because no one has bothered to go through all the stuff in the basement in the past 30 years and I had to do it myself. So they charged us for extra weight, because there was a whole lot in that dumpster. They picked it up on time because I CALLED THEM IN TIME. Secondly, they are not just now trying to get their money, they have been trying to get their money for a while now but since no one taught YOUR GRANDCHILD, my husband, to manage money he has neglected to write them the check in lo these many moons. Despite the fact that I tell him nearly daily to write it and even wrote it for him once and stamped it and had it ready to send and he LOST THE CHECK IN THE PIT THAT IS HIS CAR, the bill is still not paid. (well it is now, i had him drop it off on the way to pick up Grandmonster's pills this morning) AND THIRDLY, we do not need your money. You are welcome to give us money at any time, but we do not need it. What we need is to be able to work on our own finances without anybody's help who doesn't have their actual name on our joint checking account. And since she was the one who neglected to teach his ass how to handle money and royally fucked it up she should probably let me take a shot at the teaching this time.

That's when I turned around, poured my coffee and left the room.

A few minutes later I hear her come sneaking up behind me. She leaned in and gave me a big hug and kiss (hell yes I jumped, wouldn't you?) and thanked me for taking such good care of her and M. She said she didn't know what they would have done without me. She told me that if it weren't for me she would have lost her house to either an auction or a distroyed foundation. She told me I make their lives better.

So I am forced to wonder how Grandmonster got aholt of the crack.

Posted at 12:22 PM

21 February, 2005
I do love me some live music. Last night, my concert buddy and I went through the newspaper to scope out any opportunities to see artisits we love and adore right in our own hometown. Yeah, not many. However there are a couple of shows coming up that we're gonna have to see. Next month both Marc Broussard and Citizen Cope will be here. (yes, I realize that there is a good chance you don't know who the hell I'm talking about-except Tasty, who understands the immeasurable draw of one Marc Broussard, but rest assured, I like them.) I also see that my favorite hometown band in the world, Digby, is gonna be playing a few shows in the coming weeks and I have no choice but to go and try to maul the keyboardist. It's okay, he knows the BIG LOVE I have for him and will be more than willing to let me hug him till he can't breathe and then bum smokes off me. It just so happens that he is one of my nearest and dearest from high school and I've been maulling him for going on 15 years now. But their music is amazing and they are starting to get some good radio airplay in some parts of the country. Go check them out. You will not be sorry. Amazon.com has their newest cd and they have a listing on VH-1.com with a video clip and everything.

But I digress...as usual. Back to concert season. I might be taking a few days out of town to schlep out to the nether regions of Ohio to see Mr. Mraz next month as well. Sooner or later he's gonna realize that he needs to play a show a whole lot closer to me. Until then, I schlep. And since his new album doesn't come out till August Ima probably need to schlep a few more times this spring and summer. Who's in?

But it just so happens that the first thing I got tickets to this concert season is not music. M and I are gonna see Dave Ramsey, financial guru, in 2 weeks. I'm tired of being the only one managing the money in this house. M has promised to go, not sleep through it, and to take notes and FOLLOW THEM. This financial dilemma we have going was perpetuated by every time we get money we put it into fixing this house (if you can call it that). The house then devours the cash, burps, and laughs and laughs. Being a homeowner is a pain in the ass, especially when there is no hammock. I want to actually have the money to fix the gutters before the Swamp Thing takes up permanant residence in my yard and our foundation collapses. Good luck with that, huh?

In order for me to not feel musically starved I am still adding my extensive cd collection to my iPod. I just love having nearly every cd I own on my person at any time without actually carrying the cds themselves. You never know when you're gonna want to go from listening to Al Green to Van Morrison or ABBA to the Violent Femmes. Sometimes the only thing to help you get through the day is playing Fernando really loud and then following it with Country Death Song. I'm such a dork. I'm just happy that I've got about 1400 songs on the old iPod and it is not quite 1/4 full yet. And that includes the 3 audio books I've got hanging out in there! Maybe after my visit with Mr. Ramsey I'll have a few more bucks to buy some new cds! Yea technology!

Hi, my name is Lola and I am a music junkie.

Posted at 12:42 PM

18 February, 2005
So I stole it too. I'll blog about my blechy last couple of days later, when it doesn't seem to suck as much. Till then...

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING? yoga clothes...aka clothing that only touches my body nowhere.
THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? I bought Marc Broussard (cause I wanna be like Tasty and he rocks) and recieved Michael Buble's new one for Valentine's Day.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? my Kitchen Aid mixer. I just saw the new version of it in lime green so I might hafta get married again to get another one. I wonder if John Cusack can be talked into it?
IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Piano. always wanted to play the piano.
FAVORITE COLOR? Lime Green and Breton Blue
WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Whichever one comes with a driver.
FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and any of the Junie B. Jones books, that's what.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? I love it right when Spring is turning into Summer. It's my favorite smell too.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? to wave a wand and make all my friends' dreams come true.
IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? got kicked out of the tattoo parlor right before I could get my 9 pointed star. Ima get it though.
CAN YOU JUGGLE? my emotions. lots of practice with that.
WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR/TRUCK: the stuff I just bought from Target and haven't gotten around to bringing inside yet.
WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Hamburger. Or, more specifically, the "Choker Burger" from the Vortex!
WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? stole it from Tasty and #3GA
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Gerbera Daisies, any and all colors.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL? Broiled lobster with lemon butter and mashed taters.
DESCRIBE YOUR PJS. comfy, colorful, and usually funny. (I'm all about my jammies with the bingo balls on them. They are adorable. Ask the numbers, they've seen 'em plenty.)

Posted at 4:09 PM

15 February, 2005
I'll do the next best thing. SURVEY SAYS!!!

*[What year was it?]1993

[What were your three favorite bands?]John Coltrane, P.M Dawn, Spin Doctors. I'm diverse.

[What was your favorite outfit?] strangely enough, I frequently wore jeans back then.

[What was up with your hair?] Absolutely nothing. Not enough AquaNet in the world to give Lola Mall Hair. I sported the classic shoulder length bob.

[Who were your best friends?] Karen , Holly, Wendy, and Matt.

[What did you do after school?] Talked on the phone and started dinner.

[Did you take the bus?] Nope, I talked any number of unsuspecting boys into taking me to and from school. A belated thank you to Matt is in order.

[Who did you have a crush on?] John S. (always), Brennen, Joey.

[Did you fight with your parents?] just with my Mom.

[Who did you have a CELEBRITY crush on?] Johnny Depp

[Did you smoke cigarettes?] Started my senior year.

[Did you lug all of your books around in your backpack all day because you were too nervous to find your locker?] I had art 3 periods a day. I just kept all my books (and by that I mean 2, Lit. and French) there.

[Did you have a 'clique'?] yeah, but we all tended to wander in and out of a lot of cliques.

[Did you have "The Max" like Zach, Kelly, and Slater?] Mickey D's or my house. My parents were away a lot.

[Admit it, were you popular?] I have no idea. I'll ask at the next reunion.

[Who did you want to be just like?] Charlie Wen

[What did you want to be when you grew up?] an artist

[Where did you think you'd be at the age you are now?] I wanted to be the thing that K said she saw me as in my senior yearbook. Owner of fun art gallery in Bevery Hills. And married with kids.

Posted at 3:32 PM


but probably not. I am winging it on this entry because I really have no point for it in mind. However, since I am back in the blogging universe I am forcing myself to write anyway so I don't slip back into the abyss where it is more important to clean the dining room and vacuum the family room than get on here and spout random opinions and make with the funny. So here I be. Ya wanna make something of it?

I did watch one of my old favorite movies yesterday that I haven't seen in a while. Yeah, still makes me laugh. They just got it on Netflix (free plug. where's my swag?) so I had to have it right away. If Lucy Fell with Sarah Jessica Parker has it's moments of "huh?" but more one liners than you can count...and considering I'm a numb3r, that's a whole lot. My favorite line? "I'm sorry, I can't really hear any assholes talking right now." Still makes me giggle.

So, Valentine's Day was fun. I made lots of food and that's always a crowd pleaser. Plus I paid the brother in law to get Grandmonster out of the house for a few hours and that's ALWAYS a good idea. She tried to come home early but I know she doesn't have a key to her own house and I locked the door so she was forced to go (with BIL) to her daughter's workplace and sit in the breakroom with her and bitch for 45 minutes. But she still wasn't speaking to me by the time she got home so I didn't have to deal with it. Happy Valentine's Day to me, fo damn sure.

Lola's "I learned it the hard way" hint for Feb. 15th, 2005: When carrying fondue to the table, take extra care to not trip. That shit is HOT. Better yet, get someone you don't give a shit about to carry it to the table for you. "OH GRANDMA..."

Okay, that's all I've got.

Posted at 2:15 PM

14 February, 2005
So here's a little exposition to get this story rollin'. Grandmonster was married on February 14th, 1812 (or some such nonsense) and so every year I get her a dozen roses in honor of her anniversary. This is important because her husband expired early (probably a smart move on his part) and no one else in this family remembers Valentine's Day other than M and that's because he knows better than to forget it. So yesterday I put on minimal makeup to take a quick trip to the flower buying place to make sure I have Grandmonster's flowers since today I am busy making Valentine's Day special (didya hear the sarcasm?) for M and I don't wanna have to deal with trying to hunt up roses on V-day.

So, home I come with some lovely roses which I proceed to make into a FABULOUS arrangement with beautiful accent flowers and a little love. (I know you heard it that time.) Grandmonster is suddenly pacing in and out of the kitchen, giving me the sideways eyeball as I prepare her flowers. So I ask her if she likes them. She asks what they are. I tell her they are her Valentine's and Anniversary flowers from me. She says "What'd you get me flowers for?" I repeat the whole Valentine's/Anniversary thing for her and add the exposition from above in case she caught a case of the seniles along with an attack of the cancer.

That's when she yelled at me. Anyone wanna guess why? Seriously. Because I have no clue. She yelled at me for being stupid and buying her flowers when she has no place to put them and they're just gonna die anyway. Then she calls me stupid again. Wha-huh-fuck?

Apparently all it takes is someone calling his wife stupid to get M in motion and with a quickness. He sprinted from the family room to the living room and pulled out his angry voice. He said what I wanted to. It goes as follows...

What the hell is wrong with you, woman? Do you really have no idea that when someone buys you something, even if you don't want it, you are supposed to say THANK YOU? Fuck! And what do you mean you don't have anywhere to put the flowers? You have plenty of room to put new pictures of TG and ugly up the whole damn house with Nascar shit! Now I know why this whole family is fucked up. It's YOU! You have no respect for anyone and you taught Mom and B and C to be the same way. Get your ass in that kitchen RIGHTFUCKINGNOW and apologize to my wife and tell her thank you for going out of her way for the 4th year in a row and buying you the only Valentine's present you ever get. N-O-W.

Of course she didn't. She huffed and puffed and blew herself right into silence. If M didn't look so damn mad I would have laughed right out loud. She sat on the couch with her arms crossed and the pouty lip sticking out (a lot, she didn't have her teeth in at the time) and went into a self imposed silence. She still hasn't talked to me. I have been taking full advantage of it too. I have been fucking with her coffee pot, sat here all day with the windows and back door wide open while she jacks up the themostat, made a HUGE mess in the kitchen, washed the dishes that she yells at me for washing (she's usually so bored that she wants to have dishes in the sink so she can wash them at her leisure-and then I have to wash them again. she doesn't see so well and she cleans even worse.), proudly displayed the flowers I bought for her on MY coffee table and stoop over to smell them every time she's within viewing distance, encoraged the dogs to join me in the kitchen, went from room to room turning off all radios that were in a different room than her, and played my new favorite punk band's cd (The Killers-Hot Fuss)as loud as possible.

And it's only 3.

Happy Valentine's Day to me!

Posted at 2:54 PM

11 February, 2005
Yes, Hot-lanna stories coming, but whilst I am preparing them apparently my life marches on. I was forced to sharpen my "Fuck you, skippy" muscles last night and scare the bejeeezus out of a young'en in the process.

For those who haven't heard my rant about The Littlest Whore lemme catch you up. She's about 12 (and by that I mean 23) and has been carrying a fired up torch for MY HUSBAND since she was a fetus. She is the baby sister of a friend of ours and she pisses me tha fuck off. Now, I maintain that all girls are basically stupid till at least 24 years of age. I was, we all were. Some grow out of their stupid by 24 and some never quite get it (usually the ones who also just can't quite master their times tables), and this girl has to write imaginary math problems in the air with her finger to get the answer to 1 x 1. She calls my house in spurts. She'll call every 10 minutes for days and then disappear for a month only to call back at like 2am on a Wednesday. I hate her.

I have personally heard M tell her to stop calling and heard her laugh it off. One day she called and when I answered she did a bit of mouth breathing and hung up. Um, not just no, but FUCK NO! So I called her back with the old "Yes, someone from this number called here and hung up. Is there something I can help you with?" ploy. She countered with the "I dialed the number by mistake, sorry." defense which we both knew was a crock of shit. She called back later that night and I made M answer the phone and she innocently asked "Um, so do y'all have caller ID or something?". He said yes and she mentally calculated how many times I have seen her number on the caller ID display. 'Cept she can't count that high.

That was the last time we heard from her till yesterday. She called, Grandmonster answered, she hung up. She called again later, I answered, she said "oops, I didn't mean to dial this number, sorry." Uh huh, bullshit, whatever. She called a-fucking-gain a few hours later and hung up a-fucking-gain. I was D-U-N. I called her back. Transcript as follows. She will heretofore be known as TLW (The Littlest Whore).

*ring ring*
Phone answerer: Hello?

me: yes, is LeeAnn there?

PA: yeah, hang on a second.

TLW: ummmm, hello?

me: LeeAnn? this is M. S.'s wife.

TLW: oh...

me: yeah, Ima neeed you to quit calling my husband.

TLW: i...i...i...i didn't mean to dial that number a second ago.

me: yeah, whatever. but it would be in YOUR best interests to quit calling my husband...and any other people's husbands for that matter because ima go out on a limb here and say that i am probably the least likely wife to actually come over to your house and do you bodily harm. but i do know where you live in case that information suddenly becomes important to me...and your sister's address too, since you seem to spend a good amount of time there calling other people's husbands.

*M loses his battle with trying to hold back the laughter*

TLW *sounding crestfallen* : i...i...i...

me: and if you don't stop calling him i will not be calling you next time. i guess you probably regret calling him on your mother's cell phone right about now, huh?

TLW: i'll stop. i can do that.

me: i'm very proud of you.

*Lola hangs up the phone*

I fucking dare her.

**names have not been protected for any reason.

Posted at 12:22 PM

09 February, 2005
hurts. I've got that "I have the ghetto flu and I can actually feel my head expanding" feeling. I know I promised to make with the stories of the Numbers Summit but the time I planned to finish a post about it was usurped by a Tylenol Cold and Sinus haze (because M failed to notice the giant letters on the box that said NIGHTTIME Tylenol Cold and Sinus when he made the Walgreen's run. S'ok, I felt no pain and caught up on the napping.

Now, of course, I only have but a minute to hop on here and promise that I have not faded away again. I actually have to go get ready to have lunch with my mom and crazy Grandma Mo and then do some repair work on a few of Mo's household items that were injured in the past few weeks.

But I shall return.

Posted at 10:33 AM

08 February, 2005
somebody tell me why my posts are way down here instead of way up there where i want them? you know, up where there is a whole lotta empty space going on. fuck, i am so out of practice.

Posted at 11:32 AM


other wise known as "It's just like Pong, but with lipgloss.".

WHHHOOOOO!!!! That was a helluva break from technology I took, huh? But with a lotta help from my friends I have climbed my ass up out of the hole and managed to spend a few consecutive hours without falling back in so Ima give this a try.

So let's just pretend that the last 3 months didn't happen (because I'm sure gonna) and since it involved (for me, all about me) a hospital stay, the normal financial fiasco that M and I usually fall in due to the fact that we hemmorage cash, and some big big baddies that I'm not even gonna mention because I have gotten out of the weepy seat on #3ga's couch it's not even a problem to wash the last three months out of my hair. Even easier because my hair ain't gonna retain near as many problems now that it is purple. Yup, I have purple hair. I had to do something since we got kicked out of a tattoo parlor before any of us could get our ink done. (but it's okay because I checked with Tattoo Charlie here in town and their shop minimum is cheaper than the Jackass Tattoo and Vice Principal Training School we got kicked out of anyway...and let's hope that the Negotiations Officer is just as hot) So I am rockin' the purple haze and it got a helluva reaction from M (who I remembered to tell that I might be coming home with a tattoo but forgot to mention that I had purple hair).

I've been reading the posts on the blogs of the numbers leading up to the Number Summit and as I have just been called to order by "the old bat" and might hafta see if she still fits in the freezer, and I need another cuppa my creme brule coffee from #3sc/tx I'll just say that what was predicted came true and then some. I'll tell the Pong story later today.

So, yea me! I'm baaaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkkkk!!!!!
(and the house across the street from me just went up for sale. any takers?)

Posted at 10:28 AM

The Wild Flower
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