29 March, 2005
I might still be sick, and I might feel like the walking dead, and I might have reinjured my shoulder with the coughing along with adding some rib bruising as well, but at least I'm not this guy.



Posted at 1:40 PM

28 March, 2005
It isn't fair. I've done my time with the ghetto flu already this year. It isn't allowed to come back, right? Yet here it is and I know where it came from and you better believe that I called this person on this shit. Because I started this guy's shit and I'll end his shit, that's what. I said andiquote,

me: I hate you.
him: *exclaiming with surprise and sorrow* Noooo! Why do you hate me?
me:Because you got me sick...A-gain. Fucker.
him: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to!
me: Your sorrow means nothing to me. I'm far too busy trying to eject the pudding from my lungs to give a shit that you're sorry and didn't mean to get me sick. I have a FEVER!!! Fucker. By the way, did you happen to see anyone trying to put pudding in my lungs in the last 12 hours? Because they need to die.
him: I'm sorry. I guess the pudding comes with it, huh?
me: Death is too good for you. Hope you rot AND develop a wheat and/or gluten allergy. Fucker. If you want to live Ima need you to do all the chores I was gonna do today but can't because I have the Bubonic Plague. Go clean my bathtub, beeeyatch.

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnndddddddd scene.

So it's back to the couch for me to recuperate. Fortunately, M is off work today for Easter (yeah, Easter was yesterday, I know. however, if they wanna give M a day off AND pay him for it I am most certainly not against that.) so when I get good and tired of the Indiana Jones marathon I can have him fetch me some flicks. I'm dying.

*cut to Lola with her hand draped delicately across her forehead, head tossed back, recreating the death scene from Camille.*

In the immortal paraphrased words of Chandler Bing, "Could I be any more drama queen?"

Posted at 12:48 PM

26 March, 2005

I got nothing. Wait, that's not true. I laughed for about a half hour. It is much more accurate to say that there are just too many funnies to begin to mention. Fo instance, here's my horoscope fo today courtesy of Gizoogle...

Baller(June 22 - July 22)
You can choose ta continue keep'n tha peace -- especially when it comes ta family brotha -- coz it's one of tha mobbin' you've been an expert at since you wizzle jizzy a shawty bitty . I started yo shit and i'll end yo' shit. But weigh tha pusha options fizzirst . Put ya mutha fuckin choppers up if ya feel this..


Somebody teach me how to put links on here so I can add this to it. I might as well add that blogroll while I'm at it.

For the record, the phrase "I started yo shit, and I'll end yo shit." has been entered into the Lola Lexicon. *snort*

Posted at 6:31 PM

25 March, 2005
If you don't know their newest ad campaign involving iTunes then how on earth have you crawled out from under that rock long enough to read this? But I digress. Basically, the Dewy types have made one in three of their patrons a winner of a free song from iTunes. I love them.

Now I am not one to partake of mountainous dew, but the boys in this household do...a lot...like, more than average...as if I need their wired asses irritating me 24/7...but whatever. These boys also have friends who are Dewy. Of these friends, M and C are the only ones who have demanding family members with iPods. That'd be me. So the collecting started the day the contest started. We now have an iTunes jar on top of the desk. It's getting very full, then considerably less full the longer I stay on the net.

We all know that I'm a music junkie and that I've spent the last 7+ months since I recieved my iPod (otherwise known as "the best thing M has ever purchased for me that didn't involve carats") power loading it with each and every relevant cd in my very very large music library. I've also done quite a bit of purchasing of songs and albums from iTunes itself. I nearly always find something that I will not survive without, and you know that affliction that causes one to forget any and all cd's and such that one wants the very second one steps into a music store? Yeah, this helps that a lot since the second I remember something I want I simply click on iTunes and get it.

Now, with the blessings afforded me by the Mountain Dew folks, I get to download 10 free songs a day till May, when the contest ends. I'm up to 7 today alone and am just waiting till the wee hours of the morning so I can add more songs with the next 10 caps I pull outta the jar.

Thank you, Pepsi Co., for the free tunage. Keep drinking Mountain Dew...at least till May. Because I'm an obessive music junkie, that's what.

SHUT UP!!!!! No one told me they had the Melissa Etheridge/Joss Stone Grammy perfomance tribute to Janis Joplin on here!!!!!!!!!

Damn, gotta go.

*cheesy TRL dedication backmusic plays*
This one goes out to The Nummas. Because if I had a million dollars I'd give it all to you! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Barenaked Ladies "If I Had $1,000,000" video is drowned out by the woooooo.*

Somebody make me stop. I just downloaded Will Smith's new single and I LIKE IT!

Posted at 1:54 PM


Stolen from Allie who stole it from Christel who stole it from Tasty, because that how Ima roll on this, a busy, but Good Friday.

I Live: in the south
I Work: to keep my family happy, healthy, and safe
I Think: I'm building an okay me
I Smell: like citrus and summer
I Listen: to myself more and more lately
I Hide: the good cereal from Grandmonster
I Walk: with my dogs just to smell spring in the air again.
I Write: because I sometimes don't know how I really feel till I re-read what I wrote.
I See: the little things
I Sing: LOUD and often
I Can: make you laugh even when i am in a thousand pieces (and i can heal from that) ... again ditto with the christel, and the allie
I Watch: the kids in my life growing up as my boobs grow down
I Daydream: about owning an art gallery somewhere where they appreciate art, oh and the book tour with the Numbers.
I Fall: on my ass on a regular basis, but still I rise
I Want: to be a good friend
I Cry: about 4 times a day, on a good day. Seriously, I cried at a Mighty Ducks movie this morning and an episode of Popular yesterday. Enough with the cleansing already!
I Read: all the time. usually about 3 books at once.
I Love: my friends and family, and those that are both
I Rode: Grandmonster's ass till she let me put her handgun somewhere safer than her top dresser drawer. We have a KID in the house forgoodnesssakes!
I Sometimes: fall back in the hole, despite all my work on me. but still I rise
I Fear: that I won't get out, but still I rise
I Hope: I can be the girl I'm starting to see emerge lately.
I Eat: frozen thin mints on my birthday every year. I keep them in my cousins' freezer till July so I don't eat them before that.
I Quit: trying to be a hero
I Drink: only coffee made by the hand of a Number.
I Play: The Sims. I know, shut up.
I Miss: my girls the second I wake up in the morning
I Forgive: yup, I forgive. I didn't used to but the rewards I have gotten from it far outweigh the difficulties I had learning to do it.
I Drive: everyone crazy with incessant talking
I Dream: of being a mom
I Have: the best friends in the whole wide ever
I Remember: what it felt like to be in The Bad Place and I can't ever go back.
I Don't: give myself the credit i give everyone else (allie and I are really the same person. Thank GOD!)
I Believe: that God knows what he's doing.
I Owe: every hospital in the tri state area.
I Know: that I'm gonna be okay
I Hate: green peppers (HATE is not a strong enough word. they aren't allowed in my house.)
I Feel: content, blessed, hopeful, trusted, responsible, scared, excited, curious, ashamed, proud, lucky, and most of all loved. (ditto)

Posted at 10:35 AM

24 March, 2005
Last night, after a whole lotta hard work gettin here, my cousin Aaron and his lovely wife Winnie welcomed their first baby!!!!!!! I'm so excited for them! Last night was a perfect night to bring a beautiful baby boy into the world, the south, and their incredibly loving home!

Welcome to the party Caleb Bradley H.!!!!!! All 8 lbs. 14 oz. of you!

I'm your cousin Lola. You'll recognize me. I'll be the one with the purple hairs. I can't wait to get to know you.

Posted at 5:26 PM

23 March, 2005
Congratulations! You're 130 proof, with specific scores in beer (100) , wine (66), and liquor (104).
Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 64% on proof
You scored higher than 97% on beer index
You scored higher than 85% on wine index
You scored higher than 96% on liquor index

You too, can take this test. Click on the title of this post and get schnockered.

Posted at 8:31 PM

22 March, 2005
Today I am realizing the things that affect me most in my life are teeeee tiny. Someone calling me because she was "feeling the vibe" and then listening while I blather on about little bits of nothing that were important to me for unknown reasons, that can make a girl's mood do the turnaround. Being able to blather about the nothing made the something seem microscopic. Because she loves me and that means I don't suck a huge whole lot and that, my friends, is SOMETHING. Because this girl is spectacular in a way that even I have a hard time seeing the panorama of it, that's what. And boy howdy, am I lucky to be able to call her my friend? Yes, yes I am. Every day.

Plus, today another friend, one who I admire and wanna be just like and have loved and has been a part of my life for soooooo long sent me an email to tell me what affect something I said a few days ago had on her. I didn't even realize I was doing anything except talking about myself (which I do too often, I know, but I'm so good at it.) and it had an affect in her life. Thank goodness it was a good affect, because I know in my time I have said something stupid that had a bad affect on a life or two. For that I am sorry, really truly sorry.

My friend, who I adore thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, also sent me a passage from an email that is so where I am today.

Everyone Can't Be In Your Front Row

Life is a theater - invite your audience carefully. Not everyone is holy enough and healthy enough to have a front row seat in our lives. There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships/friendships/fellowships! Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention to:
Which ones lift and which ones lean?
Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?
Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?
When you leave certain people, do you feel better or feel worse?
Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know and appreciateyou and the gift that lies within you?

The more you seek God and the things of God -- the more you seek quality, the more you seek not just the hand of God but the face of God- the more you seek things honorable -- the more you seek growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the FRONT ROW and who should be moved to the balcony of your life. You cannot change the people around you... but you can change the people you are around! Ask God for wisdom and discernment and choose wisely the people who sit in the front row of your life.

I am so glad that the FRONT ROW of my life are who they are and I'm going to strive to be to them what they are to me. I am a work in progress, but at least I'm still progressing.

So this is a thank you to my front row. I am blessed to have you and better because of you and all the little things you do for me. I love you all so much and your friendship has meant more to me than I know how to convey. And to those I love from a distance, I will continue to love. If they want a front row seat I have seats saved for them. If they want to know me, I am knowable. It might be an effort, but not a wasted one.

UPDATE: I just got an email from an old friend of mine from high school who I haven't seen in over 10 years! How much does that rock? I'm thrilled to hear from her and can't wait to re-know her. I kept her seat warm.

Posted at 1:16 PM

21 March, 2005
Thanks to all those sending me sunshine wishes this weekend. Spring officially started at 7:33 yesterday morning and today it is finally looking the part! The dogs are sunbathing on the deck, the air is still a touch chilly but it is the Spring chill rather than the Winter one, and my tulips, daffodils, and crocus are stretching their leaves. Thank goodness. I don't know how much more Winter I could take. And since Spring has started I can begin my countdown to my birthday. I have 104 days left of my twenties. July 3rd is the beginning of the big three oh's. I am excited! No really, I am.

I am a nerd. I have come to terms with my nerdiness and all that comes with it. I love to read, both fiction and non fiction. If there is a subject that interests me I tend to do in depth research into it (especially if it is Harry Potter). I love spending evenings at home with my family. Libraries are one of the coolest places on earth. And I have an innate love of language. Figuring out what the derivitives of certain words or phrases are is something I do for no good reason other than it entertains me. So it will surprise very few people that I get delivered in my inbox a word of the day from Dictionary.com. Usually they are very tame, but every once in a while something funny pops up. Today's definition is not all that amusing, but the word itself cracked me up. It was definately not the definition that came into my dirty mind when I saw the word.
noun:1. A pleated or gathered flounce on a woman's garment; a ruffle.2. Something showy or superfluous; a bit of showy ornamentation.
the word?
furbelow \FUR-buh-low\
teehee. aaaaaaand scene.
So I spent yesterday doing yard work. More specifically, I spent 5 hours yesterday removing the giant mountian of dirt from my front yard that was left after we had our sewage pipes replaced this past winter. Now it has snowed and rained and dried and settled and become one big giant rock of dirt (since Kentucky's dirt has a whole lotta clay) and it was no easy task to shovel that stuff up and spead it around to make things even. But fortunately there was enough dirt to fill in a lot of the ditch right by the road that fills with water every spring and becomes a swamp. That's a good thing. M, BIL (reluctantly), and Savanna helped and even Grandmonster helped tamping down the redistributed dirt after her Nascar race was over. It looks 1000% better and has helped property values, I'm sure. It isn't completely done, but I'm gonna be back out there today while everyone is at work to attempt to finish the job so I can start re-seeding it tomorrow. It will be nice to have a decent lawn for the fist time...well, ever.
You know that feeling that you get after you spend hour upon hour working and exercising? The one where you are sore, but happy because of all the endorphines racing through your system and the fact that you accomplished something? Yeah, I hate that feeling. It just further serves to remind me that exercise is indeed good for you and does help with the doldrums and increases you strength. I'd so much rather go on denying that exercise is gonna do a body good. That way I can just lay on the couch and eat popcorn and play with the dogs. But NOOOOO, I had to go get stuff done. Dammit.
But my mood has improved from yesterday. Maybe I can just blame the happiness on the sunshine, the Spring, and the Girl Scout cookies. Yeah, that'll work.
And I am power loading some serious Creme Brule coffee from the Rock Star. It will be the only thing on this planet that might make me forget the stiffness in my lower back from overworking the hoe yesterday so I can continue the excavation of my front yard. HEY! That's hoe with an "E"! Ima hafta be a little more broke before I sell that "E" This hoe has nothing to do with my furbelow. Nasty..

Posted at 11:40 AM

20 March, 2005
In case anyone hasn't noticed, I added a feature that tells what mood I'm in over there on the sidebar. I saw it on one of my girls' sites and of course had to have it. Because that's how we roll. You too can have it by joining Unky at http://unkymoods.com.

So after my last post, the one about needing to clean up the exterior of our house, I tried to nail down exactly what my mood is today. Since I was born under the sign of the zodiac that is the most moody, Cancer, sometimes I feel many ways at once. Declaring which one is most accurate on any given Sunday is not always easy. Today is worse than most. I went through all of Unky's moods and started writing down which ones I was. I ended up with a list of 25. Wanna hear it? Here it go.

*in turmoil
*just here

I figure that as long as I still have "inspired" on the list I can possibly do something about the other 24. Pollyanna, hurry up. I need your help. As you can see, I ended up choosing "crabby" for the final mood. The crab is the symbol for Cancer and since I'm feeling very moody and cancery I thought it was befitting. Ima see what the day holds before I decide how I feel like being today. It's never good to decide these things before you even get the motivation to put on a bra.

I'm off to Create a Great Day.

Posted at 11:20 AM


The house next door is up for sale. No, M and I will not be able to purchase it because we spent our money that had been put aside for a down payment to fix the basement of this house. His Grandmonster's house. The one that $19,000 later still has a broken basement. Basically we spent $19,000 getting all her shit out of the lower portion of our abode. Fucker.

But now our next door neighbor, L, who we adore and is thoughtful and kind and looks in on Grandmonster and cares about our family, is getting married. I am inordinantly happy for her. She got a really ugly divorce about 5 years ago and has been trying to raise her daughters as well as possible (which is really well. she's fantastic and so are they) since then. About a year and a half ago she met a nice guy and they have been seriously dating. He's been there every weekend for the past year fixing the house up. On the occasion that he is working in their yard and sees me in my yard struggling with some project or another he drops what he's doing to come help me. We love him. And both his and L's moms have helped as well. These are good people.

Today the sign went up. I knew it was coming. I know the signs of someone preparing a home for the market. Today's the day. Unfortunately, our house is THE ugliest house on the block. The house across the street, where the occupants have long gone to a Nursing Home and no one bothers to do anything to is still in less disrepair than ours. Hell, even the Marlboro Man (wooden cowboy cutout. don't judge. we try to dispose of him and he just comes back.) is completely worn and broken. He hasn't leaned against his original tree for years. Now he is hobbled against the house. The shutters I asked M to paint 4 years ago are still unpainted...except for the one that I painted (then fell off the ladder). The eves of the house need painting, the garage needs painting, the lawn needs to be reseeded and the mountain of dirt in the front yard needs to be levelled. The only thing that is pretty okay is the trimming of the trees and bushes. I did all that recently.

I'm flat out embarrassed of our house. Every friend that sees it I offer an apology before they get here. It is humiliating. And now it is going to bring down L's property value. She's even too nice to ask us to help out by taking care of the disrepair that has been going on since Grandmonster's hubby died in 1986. That's a good neighbor right there. So as a wedding gift to L ,Operation Homeowner is now in progress. I just went up to Grandmonster's room and gave her one of my patented "Okay, this is what we're gonna do" lectures. She agreed. It starts today (in 20 minutes, that's when my meds kick in.).

I called my mom. She's gonna get the power washer over here in the next week so I can power wash the house, garage, and deck. (how much do we love that my mother has her own power wash and that i not only know how to use it but have used it many many times before and tell her if she gets a new one that this one belongs to me. God bless power tools.) I'm headed out to the front lawn with the shovel momentarily to take care of that mountain. We're making a Lowe's run for sod and paint supplies, and the boys will be arising from their Sunday slumber in mere moments to get to work. Unless, of course, they want me to stop feeding them.

Humiliation is a great motivator. The nagging of the boys has ended. I've done it for 4 years and it hasn't worked. Doing more work myself than my body should do just to guilt them into doing it, that's over too. Once again, didn't work. I have released the Home Improvement Hellbeast. I want to be proud of my home. If no one else has enough self respect to get it done than they forfit their right to have their home look like they want it to. I'm Head Bitch around here now. So, Hi Ho Hi Ho, it's off the the yardwork I go.

And I think the Marlboro Man might have an "accident". Pray that he is put out of my misery.

Posted at 10:24 AM

19 March, 2005
Life's full of 'em.

I've been trying very very hard this past year to work on me. I hate that it took me nearly 29 years to figure out that I spent a whole lot of time working very dilligently to be someone I wasn't crazy about. I expended countless hours and phenomenal quantities of energy trying to put on a face that I thought would make it all okay. I figured that if I could just get that mask right, the one that everyone would be forced to love, and if I strapped it on tight enough then maybe I could be that girl. I did that for nearly 3 decades.

Yeah, that didn't work. All it made me was Apology Girl. All it did was further convince me of my unworthyness and failure. That sucks.

So in the spirit of introspection I came to the conclusion that 3 decades is plenty of time to see how a plan's gonna work out. That plan sucked. New plan.

Now I work very very hard to be real. That isn't as easy as it sounds. After using the crowbar to remove the mask I realized that I now need to figure out which of my opinions were really my own and which were accessories for "The Girl I'm Not". I ended up having to break it down Barney style into the two catagories: Stuff That Makes Me Happy, and Stuff That Sucks Big Green Donkey Dick. (even in Barney style lists I have a bit of a flair for colorful language. Jesus is in the details, you know.) This has been an incredibly long week with a lot of List A and a lot of List B. But thus far the Suck list has been edging ahead. Since I have an inate love of the list I decided that perhaps if I jot down the happies versus the shitstorm I might be able to concentrate on List A, thereby surviving another week. Bear with me.

Let's start with the bad stuff so I can have a happily ever after type ending, shall we?

Stuff that Both Sucks AND Blows At the Same Time:
* i am so friggin' broke that the guy with the cardboard sign at the offramp tossed me a quarter...and I took it.
* although Spring officially starts in 9 hours and 20 minutes it is doing a really good impression of February.
* 3 words...out of beer.
* headaches are back and out for blood.
* i'm severely lacking on phone time with mah girls as of late. my fault and i intend to remedy that the second i can defunk.
* it is cold and that makes me ow and my feet haven't been warm since September.
* i spent 4 hours today wallpaper shopping for the Bathroom of Despair in Mo's house...and we still don't have any wallpaper.
* i was reminded every 20 minutes or so that this would probably be the last wallpaper Mo ever picks out...and Mo was the one who kept reminding me.
* i'm worried about Mo. I have the bad feeling.
* Ruby isn't healing well.
* Grandmonster and my MIL are being particularly heinous.
* gravity is taking its toll on not only my eyelids but the boobs are going south as well.
* womb for rent.

Things I Have Going For Me:
* M. Even when he is being an irritating SOB he still makes me smile a thousand times a day. Safe is a really good feeling.
* I have the best friends in the whole wide ever. I'm sure someone else thinks their friends are best and I will refrain from bursting their bubble with the information that I, in fact have the best ones so theirs are merely in the top 40...except it is true.
* Boy, do I have great dogs or what? And they are currently all about the snuggleface right now. Gus hates to see me cry and every time I do he smooshes his face against mine until he wipes the tears all gone.
* Isabelle. She is sunshine in a girl suit. And I taught her to blow me kisses.
* I got to spend hours upon hours shopping, laughing, joking, wandering, sparkling, eating Chinese food, drinking girly drinks, and watching movies with The Lean Green Birthday Machine Jennysue, Brenda, Bonnie, and myhomie (Go Dawgs) ANN yesterday. The underlying feeling of the day was Contentment.
* girl scout cookies.
* I got to spend my Saturday doing something nice for Mo that made her happy.
* despite Grandmonster's Mood O' Doom, I invited her along for the Saturday Mo date and took them both out to lunch.
* Grandmonster's mood changed and she thanked me for getting her out of the house for a few hours to spend time with Mo and me. She said I did a nice thing for her and she realized it and appreciated it.
* Savanna missed me today and gave me a 4 minute hug when we got home. Plus she did nice things for me while I was out. Namely, chores.
* it was nice to come home to a clean family room, dogs that were content because they had been fed and scratched and brushed, plants that were watered, and a driveway that was swept.

Okay, I might be feeling better. Sometimes happy is hard work. Further updates as events warrant.

Posted at 9:49 PM

15 March, 2005
And I'm having some. Seriously, not a damn thing going on here of any note whatsoever. Sure, I've got stuff to do and I'm doing it, however it isn't anything at all entertaining and mostly has to do with paperwork and housecleaning and math. Nothing blogworthy is going on.

Grandmonster is being well behaved, despite the fact that I am uber snappish lately, M is handing over the cash as he gets it, Ruby's getting healed (slowly, but healed nonetheless), my shoulder isn't getting healed (one can only ask for so much, you know), and I'm infinately busy and infinately bored.

The most exciting part of my life is the book I'm reading. It is called "Lost" by Gregory Maguire, the guy who wrote one of my most favoritest books of all times, "Wicked: the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West". I sincerely didn't figure this for a creepy book, even though there is a picture of a half dead guy with bulging eyes on the cover. (never judge a book by its cover. didn't your mama ever tell you that? so I didn't. and now I'm having fucked up dreams. thanks mom.) Mr. Maguire takes fairy tales and spins them into someone else's perspective. Like Cinderella from the step sister's POV (Confessions of an Ugly Step Sister) or Wizard of Oz from the green lady's POV. This one is primarily an adaptation of Dicken's A Christmas Carol but told from the great great great great grandaughter of Mr. Scrooge's POV. It also has shades of Alice In Wonderland and the ghost of Jack the Ripper is somehow involved and there is a book within a book since Granddaughter Scroogey is a writer trying to work her way through a new book. It is all very confusing and creepy as all get out.

I was reading it in the laundrymat this weekend and the lady who runs the joint (i know her well. i'm in there a lot. that's how dull my life is right now. i go to the laundrymat just to get out of the house.) went out to have a smoke and left me in there alone at dusk. Just me, my iPod, this creepy ass book, and the bumps and thumps of whirring laundry. I changed my iPod from Miles Davis to Mraz to try to sing the creeps out but I ended uo having to stop reading and go out to join her in the smoking area.

I READ STEPHEN KING BOOKS WHEN I WAS 9 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Why is this creeping me out? All I can figure is that it is very Hitchcockian and unlike Mr. King's books you are never given any explanaition for what is making the paint on the wall bubble up into the shape of a crucifix and there is nearly always some shadow or another that you find out about right before it disappears and is never heard from again. Kinda leaves you waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So, after my allotment of paperwork for today is done, the ingrediants for dinner are thawing or waiting for assembly, my math is checked, my doctors are called, the bedrooms are vacuumed, the dogs are medicated, and Grandmonster is re-chained to the couch out of reach of the stereo or the phone I will be crawling back under my book and jumping at every snapcracklepop that occurs in this house. I'm gonna change my cell phone ringtone to something a little less ominous.

Happy thought of yesterday: Sammie, Kimmy, and Zach (my cousins/godkids) came over to bring me cookies and visit and play. Zach (who has had a rough time with school his whole life and dropped out several years ago) is not only back in school but he is OFFICIALLY A JUNIOR!!!!! I could not be even slightly more proud of him if I tried! And Kimmy is engaged (by the age of 18, to a really tall guy named Steve, just like me. hopefully hers will work out better than mine did. she's 20 now so we'll know soon enough.) and I got to see her ring and she's just 30 types of adorable. Plus, her boytoy is scared of me, so that's a good thing. ANDANDAND, Sammie is officially a teenager. She's still beautiful (she looks a lot like Thora Birch
http://www.enzogiobbe.com/celebs/Thora_Birch_CL.jpg, with really blonde hair) and she has a penchant for things that go sparkle. I haven't seen them in a few months so it was amazing to get to hang out with them for a while. I think it might be time for a slumber party. Yes, I know they are 20, 19, and 13 respectively, but they humor me.

Okay, now who has a calculator? Math is hard.

Posted at 11:10 AM

11 March, 2005
Just hopping on long enough to say to http://3gallonsofcoffee.blogspot.com/ and
http://mamachef.blogspot.com/ ,

your books were shipped this morning and by next week sometime you will both have a wondermous new book to read. When you're D-U-N let me know and tell me how much you loved it. Then someone send a copy to me so I can read it again. Or better yet, use it as incentive to come visit my ass up here in the frozen northern south.

And somebody give God a message from me.

"Enough with the SNOW already! It's spring! I know it is! It HAS to be!"

I think He's stopped returning my calls. I think I might have worn Him out this week already.

But now I have a date with the couch and a box of Tagalongs.

Posted at 10:38 AM

10 March, 2005
Where in the hell did this Bad Mood come from? I was fine all day (it is Isabelle day so that lends itself to a very happy Lola from the hours of 6:30 am to 4:00 pm) and then I get home and


Bad Mood.

I have successfully snapped at everyone in this house besides poor sick Ruby. She's had enough trauma for one week and doesn't need Bitchy Lola causing her more. But damn, I'm just in a foul temper. I think I actually growled at Grandmonster. That would explain why she fled the room. She probably didn't even deserve it...this time. I was simply getting dinner started (since we have started the new budget and that leaves zero room for take out on Isabelle Day) and commented that we are now down to one burner on the stove that works and here she comes to check and make sure that I am wrong by poking and prodding the offending appliance and asking if I turned it on.

Okay, yeah, that deserved the growl. I wonder if she actually expects me to say "Oh, you know what? I did forget to turn it on. That must be why the burner isn't getting hot. Silly me. I must be stupid." If she knew what was good for her she'da stayed the hell outta the kitchen entirely, or at least ducked really fast after she asked me. I did restrain myself from shoving her out of the way and into the TG laden hallway. I get points in heaven for that, right?

But yes. Bad Mood. Impending Doom. And I checked my calendar and I am so not due for PMS yet. And even so, this mood is way worse than any PMS I've had for a long while.

Screw it. I'm gonna stop analyzing and start drinking. Thank goodness I had the foresight to go to the liquor store before the budget kicked in. So who wants to fix Lola a big ol' drink?

Posted at 5:47 PM

09 March, 2005
My telephone and internet silence is not due to me crawling back into a hole, just a minor major medical malfunction that is temporarily keeping me from leaving the confines of my bed for more than an hour or so. Yesterday was BAD but today's looking up. Hopefully I'll be out of the haze enough to make a few phone calls this evening. (or call me and I'll have the cell and reg'lar phone by my side)

And on Monday I had a BIG HAPPY. The Kharma Fairy, in the guise of my dearest darlingest Jennysue, came to my house with my Kharmic Rebate tucked under her cute little coat (which I notice she still hasn't found the hood for). Since my dearest darlingest #3GA was in need of a big happy last month I brought her a Kate Spade that was given to me by the Wondermous TammiTammy, who knew I'd be one of the few to appreciate the fabulousness of Kate. Since #3GA only missed out on the Kating because of a fluke occurance I have timeshared it with her. She was happy. In true Kharmic glory, Jennysue noticed I could use a big happy so when she found an adorable Kate Spade lurking at her local consignment store she snapped it up and BROUGHT IT TO ME!!!!!!

So Kate came home and I will continue my quest of letting as many people possible know of the wonders and glories of Jennysue, who loves me. (and you may commence to being jealous) And for the record, I second my own motion to make Jennysue an official Numbers Wannabe. That's What.

Posted at 10:29 AM

05 March, 2005
I’m not usually one for spending my valuable Sunday night TV watching time tuned in to a movie of the week. I mean, Sunday night is the best TV night of the week. Forget Thursday Must See TV. Since the inception of Sex and The City and the Sopranos and the newest prime time fare of Desperate Housewives and The Surreal Life I have been forced to refuse any plans that don’t get me home by 7:45 pm on Sundays. I also hate it when they pre-empt Desperate Housewives for just about anything: from Presidential address to a Dynasty reunion, it just pisses me off.


I just can’t wait for this Sunday night to arrive. My VCR is set. (yes, it is the best I can do until it comes out on DVD. I am a technological cavewoman with anything other than my iPod.) This Sunday night one of my all time favorite books finally makes it to the small screen. Oprah has kindly put in motion an adaptation of Zora Neal Hurston’s
Their Eyes Were Watching God. I love that book. I read it for the first time as a freshman in college and developed such an affinity for the character of Janie that each chapter I was more and more outraged with the turn of events in her life. Yes, I know, it is not a true story. It was just so well written and had so much truth that I had an emotional connection to the characters. When the story reaches the climax I was beside myself with wanting her to be happy. I just love it. I am a full on book nerd when it comes to this tome.

Thank goodness Oprah had the foresight to get Halle Barry signed to play the lead role the day after she won her Oscar. It is perfect casting. I am so excited to see what she does with the character and if her portrayal matches the picture in my head. I am giddy.

Take my advice and go out and pick up a copy of the book because as in most things I am sure the movie will not do the book justice. It’ll be good and probably better than average since Oprah seems to have the same affinity for the story as I, but it is just hard to live up to something so fantastic.

*sidenote: Wish me luck. I'm off to see Dave Ramsey, the Wonderful Wizard of Cash, to learn how to give the breath of life to my financial situation. Cross everything that doesn't charge a cover.

Posted at 10:23 AM

04 March, 2005
Here's the short and sweet of it since I have been instructed to keep my ass off the computer for a while by my nice and adorable doctor.

So I have allergies, lots of 'em, not the least of which is mold and dust. Since TG Sheppard is primarily composed of mold and dust and he lives here you can imagine the state my sinuses are in right now. My allergies usually show themselves in the hacking-cough-that-prompts-people-to-ask-if-I've-had-a-TB-test-recently way and this time is no exception. So hackhack coughcough FUCKING OW went Lola one night last week. Somewhere mid hack my shoulder muscles flew out between my collarbones, down my sleeve, and out back somewhere to grapple with the Swamp Thing that has taken up residence in my backyard since the monsoon season hit Kentucky.

Now, because I am officially freaked out due to recent and not so recent hospital stays my brain went deeerectly to the "oh my God this feels like blood clot pain" place but not to the "hey, I might have a blood clot so I should probably take some money and go to my nearest health professional, hand them a wad of cash and make them make me not die" place. Because we have no money, that's what. And though blood clots are free, getting rid of them isn't, kinda like in-laws.

Instead I wait till I wake up screaming in pain and taking shallow breaths at 2 am on a Tuesday. I immediately go pee to give me time to mull over if I am actually in enough peril to risk waking M aka Grumpy Ass up. I then decide that yes, yes I am in enough peril, or at least pain. So I then retrieve my makeup bag and start doing minimum coverage so as to get out the door faster.

Like I'm gonna go to a public place sans makeup. Puh-leeze.

We go to the dumbass hospital ER and we wait for 45 minutes (because I am now in full blown freak out and hyperventilating and just being able to not breathe is not enough to get the nurse to miss her gossip time with the eleven year old doc on staff that night) in an ER with a whopping 3 people in it. Two of those 3 were M and myself. They take me back, ask me stuff, make sure I know how to work the remote, and leave.

About an hour later the nurse comes in looking distracted. She asks if anyone has been by to give me the results of my blood test yet. Um, no one has been by to take my blood yet so Ima say no on this one, Gidget. She piles me into a wheelchair, forgets to remove the break, tosses me out of the wheelchair when she tries to shove me with the brake on, piles me back in, removes brake, runs me square into a woman with a ton of needles...backwards. This is the blood taking lady. Out of the chair pile I, blood is taken by the friendly neighborhood vampire, off I go to X-ray (nuclear medicine), get some pics taken, back go I.

To wait. And wait. Oh, and wait.

Back comes Gidget to tell me that I need to follow the doctor's orders and get the hell out of her ER. "Um, what doctor?" We do a little song and dance about whether or not I'd actually seen a doctor that night as visions of the joke about a line up with a mop, a doughnut, and a pussy enter my head. Because I'd be able to pick a doctor out of that line up, that's what. (preceeding joke not for the faint of heart. rest assured, somebody reading this will have gotten that joke. I'd clue the rest in but I'm on borrowed time.) She realizes it is futile to argue with me and goes to get Doogie Howser M.D., who was in the cafeteria flirting with someone else and trading Pokemon cards (or so I must assume from the assiness of Gidget's demeanor on the male species when she returned with orders and prescriptions). Then she kicks me out.

As it turns out, Doogie had focused on the cough part of my problem instead of the BIG GIANT OWness part and gave me a Zpack. Except, yeah, I told him it was allergies, but whatever. Mom picked me up since M had long since had to leave me to go to work. She spent about 30 hours babying me and trying to teach me to fetch and lay on a pillow at the foot of her bed, but I was well fed and very well cared for (and really wish I'd been born a very small dog that looks like Yoda) and Dad took me home Thursday morning.

I went to the nice doc who does not suck today and it turns out that it isn't a blood clot (yeah yeah, drama queen, I know) but I did do quite a number on a shoulder muscle with the hacking and coughing and flipping off of ER employees and all. AND as it turns out my nice doc is andIquote "Not fucking around anymore, Lola" and I should get my damn blood pressure checked twice a week and take the damn meds and stop being such a hero already before I finally have that damn heart attack and then I'd be sorry yeahbuddy.

Did I mention that this particular nice doc is my normal family doc's own personal Dr. Daughter who is taking over his practice? Or that I actually have known her for a really long time and this is not nearly the first time I've heard her drop the F bomb? 'Cause it is and it is and it isn't.

So here I be, on blood pressure meds and with a wonky shoulder and if I don't get off this computer and quit jacking around with said shoulder Miss Nice Doc Jr. will come kick my ass, and me with only one arm to fight back with means she'd do it good.

But I'm not dying, and thanks for the prayers and I love y'all.


Posted at 2:30 PM

03 March, 2005
Here's a list ('cause we know i love a list) of the happenings in Lolaland as of late.

* ow. no really. OW.
* why do they schedule all the biggest dumbass Emergency Room employees together on the late shift?
* why don't they let me kick dumbass ER employees?
* there is traffic all the time in Louisville, even 3am on a Tuesday.
* M cannot cook.
* my bed is a whole lot less comfy than the guest room bed at my mama's.
* since Mom's dog died she is really hard up to baby something.
* No matter how many treats she promises me, I will not let her take me for a walk.
* An opportunity to go to California for 3 weeks has been offered to me.
* I don't know yet if I'm gonna take them up on it.
* Three weeks without my husband and my dogs is a lot.
* If I aquire one more heating pad I can use it to complete my new winter ensemble.
* OW.

That's about it. Keep the prayers going. I have an appointment with my decidedly non-dumbass doctor tomorrow morning to see what's causing the giant ow.

Posted at 10:37 AM

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