29 April, 2005
I have a few blog entries rolling around in the old gray matter and I've actually started one that will be up by this weekend at the latest, but it is getting kinda lengthy so it might be up in installments. It's about my own personal mama, who I adore. Just a thank you to her to let her know that I finally understand all she's done. Since I finally got a handle on how to post pictures to this thing one of the other entries rattling around in my cranial cavity (and Microsoft Word) will involve me putting a few pics up of one of my favorite places in the whole wide ever. No, not Allie's house, although that's right up there on the list. I'm talking about Pont-Aven, France. That summer changed the way I view and create art. Plus, it's really pretty.

Until then Ima update quick to tell y'all that I am fiddling with a new blog template. Until I get the bugs out I'm not going to put it up here. I'm trying to decide whether or not to change this one or start a whole new one with a link to here. Basically, I can't figure out how to get my archives in the new template. Damn xhtml. But it has an "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret." theme. It's either gonna be that or Barbarella. Either one has that certain level of cheese that I'm going for.

So if you need me I'll be knee deep in xhtml. I'd recommend trying to get me on the cellphone if you need me desperately. And let's face it, you do. So use the cellphone while I still have this number. Cross your fingers that I'll get the new picturephone and a spanking new phone number this weekend!

Posted at 2:51 PM

27 April, 2005
Since I have to fight with the dumbass plumbers a-friggin-gain I'm not going to be able to leave you with any glorious Lolaisms today. Instead I am going to stop fighting with the html tags that are all screwy in this table I am trying to post (and by that I mean I got sick of trying to learn enough to correct the bugs in the code they gave me) and just copy/paste the contents of it. Because it made me laugh.

You Know You're From Louisville When...

Your "International" airport has only one passenger flight that actually leaves the 48 contiguous U.S. states

The in-state sports rivalry is paid more attention to than the national championship.

You live in an area that occasionally gets considerable snowfalls, floods, and tornadoes... but has no capacity to deal with any of the above.

You pronounce the name of your city different than anyone else you've heard.

You think the rest of the people in Kentucky sound like hicks.

When you think "Kentucky" you don't automatically think horse racing or fried chicken.

You ask your doctor for an allergy cure and he tells you to "move."

You've shovelled 10+ inches of snow and worn shorts in the same week.

When people ask what school you went to, they don't mean Vanderbilt, Yale, or Harvard; they mean Ballard, Male, Manual, Trinity or St. X.

You know what the Bambi Walk is.

Your last ten vacations were in Panama City or Destin.

You make an emergency run to Kroger for bread and milk at the first sighting of a snowflake.

You've lived here for years, yet somehow you get hopelessly lost each time you attempt a shortcut through Cherokee Park.

You're convinced turn signals are useless options on a vehicle.

You hold up traffic to let a motorist you don't know into your lane.

You give directions based on landmarks that no longer exist or street names that have changed, but your directions never confuse any of the other Louisvillians.

You have never been to the Derby, but wouldn't miss the Oaks.

You call in sick to attend the Oaks and spot your boss - who also called in sick - at the next betting window.

You think all the REAL hicks live in New Albany.

You think the only thing Southern Indiana is good for is buying pumpkins.

When introduced to another life-long Louisvillian, you spend the first part of the conversation finding out how you are connected. It's never as many as six degrees of separation - usually three will do it.

You think a pervert is someone who would rather have sex than watch basketball.

You've built a shrine to Rick Pitino in your basement.

You can read about Rick Pitino in at least three different sections of your newspaper.

You think the rest of the world knows what Benedictine spread is.

You think the rest of the world knows what a Hot Brown is.

You have never eaten fish that wasn't fried.

You think the whole world puts spaghetti in chili.

You want another bridge built over the Ohio River, just so long as it doesn't cut through YOUR neighborhood.

You've experienced a "salt storm" after a two-inch snowfall.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Louisville.

this came from

And now, gentle readers, I need a favor. For reasons I cannot at present reveal to you, I need to pick my best 2 posts from this here blog. Now, I have a few ideas of which were my best, but I'd like to hear what you, the general public (and by that I mean pretty much everyone I know), thinks they are. Couldja wouldja give me your opinions? Please and thank you.

Posted at 1:05 PM

26 April, 2005
Blech. Last night sucked eggs, huh? But thanks to a post by my favoritest Tasty (#5IN for those playing the home game) I stopped the overwhelming ick and started noticing the good again. Plus, I washed my hair and I feel a really lot better now. I may not be able to fix everything, but as long as I continue to try I might be able to change something significantly.

Today I have gotten a second wind and Ima either fix the drain or call a plumber for an estimate. Just because I know I don’t have the money to pay for a plumber yet doesn’t mean I shouldn’t call them and see exactly how much he’s gonna cost. I will stop looking at the big picture and start taking things one teeny step at a time instead. It is, after all, the teeny tiny things that matter most. It applies to my life so it just might apply to the plumber too. Once I get the estimate I will decide what the next step should be and do that.

Look at me, with the growing up.

I am determined to get this taken care of before 2 of my favoritest Kentuckians (Brenda and Bonnie) come in to town Saturday to go to the Chreokee Art Fair with Jenny, Isabelle, and myself. We had so much fun last year I am surprised that they didn’t put a picture of us on the ads for this year. There will be manymanymanymany hats tried on, laughed about, squealed or gushed over, and pointed at. There WILL BE Kizito cookies purchased, consumed, and not left in Bonnie’s Queenmobile for her to eat later. That is a mistake I make only once. I will lose no more snickerdoodles by default.

I guess we’ll do some art shopping as well since Jennysue has a new kitchen and needs to acquire some extra beautimousness to adorn her olive colored walls. The art buying is my department , color me in! I am going to foot my foot down on one thing. I will not allow myself to purchase and bring home any hermit crabs. Harry, the hermit crab was an umfortunate decision on my part. Although it was great fun chasing M around the house with him it was considerably less fun to clean his bowl and find only distilled water for him to drink and bathe. I am D-U-N with hermit crabs. A hamster could be fun though.

Alright, I’m off to surf the net in search of something that will show me step by step how to fix cemented drains or how to figure out a way to pay for Beavis and Co. Plumbers to come back in my house. Maybe he’ll fall down the stairs again. That’d be worth it. Wish me luck.

For the Super Bonus Round: Guess which adorably musical dork with an uncoming album release has a TODAY ONLY surprise for his fans. The surprise is that you can listen to his entire new album on his website. This is available only today. Hurry. I'll see you there.

Posted at 11:52 AM

25 April, 2005
Happyfun Pollyanna Lola has taken her leave. I'm not sure if it was when BIL1 was [allegedly] asked to bring home some of his tools so I could fix the drain and he came home with a pair of needlenose pliers...and nothing else, or when I got down and dirty with the underside of the bathtub drain and realized that the last person to fix that particular pipe(otherwise known as the dumbest mammal known to humankind and if I find out who it is someone's gonna have to find me a good lawyer) decided that instead of using plumbers' putty or plumbers' tape to ensure the pipe didn't leak they used CONCRETE. Or perhaps it was when a dust clod the size of my arm decended from its former home on top of one of the sewer pipes and found a new home in my already nasty (because we have no current shower usage) hair and down my shirt. Either way, Pollyanna I am not. The Marlboro Man might be safely tucked away behind the garage but Lola is out of ideas, patience, and happy thoughts.

And if one single person in this household so much as makes a face at me for filling the tub right back up with water when I take a shower in a minute Ima drown their sorry asses in the standing water. Because I am NOT going to bed without washing my hair and scrubbing the nastiness that fell from above off the top eleventeen layers of my skin. I'm pretty easygoing and I go with the flow but I can't be expected to figure out how to pay for yet another plumber and even more new pipes when I have greasy hair and smell like WD-40. They don't like it? There is plenty of sleeping room in the garage.

The biggest drain on my happy thoughts storage facility is news from Grandmonster's doctors. There is actually cause for worry this time, real cause, not just one of her patented attacks of the cancer. She goes in for an MRI and Bone Scan on May 17th and has a follow up appointment on the 23rd. They are upping the frequency of the chemo as well as her daily meds. Now I'm feeling really bad about a few of the things I've said (never in print, but some Nummas have heard me say it) about her. As crazy as she is and as much as she makes me wanna pull all my own hair out in frustration I don't hate her. I love the old bat despite myself. She's family, and since she's family and I have to deal with her on an hourly basis I get a bit of leeway to say things I really don't mean. I know God knows this...but I still feel just awful. I just kinda needed to get that out there.

Posted at 11:41 PM


Wait, wait, you're not gonna believe this! This house? Yeah, well it's falling down! HAHAHAHA!!! Can you stand it?!?!?

Um, no. Someday I'm gonna learn to stop moving the flashlight when I have to crawl into the basement to scan the ceiling for random pipes I have to fix. Our bathtub drain is currently not draining and the Liquid Plumber I called (hey, at $2.99 a bottle at Walgreen's Ima call him first.) just bubbled and snickered at me. So what does any self respecting Lola do? Get on the internet and learn how to take a bathtub drain apart to remove a clog, that's what. So that's what I did.

The internet said I should go find the u-bend pipe to the tub and go from there. So off I go to the basement, flashlight in hand, to find it. No sweat. It was right where I thought it was (after I decided that it kinda had to be somewhere under the actual bathroom. I'm quick like that.) and looked somewhat similar to what I thought it would (because I've fixed clogs in the sink before and I guessed it probably looked a lot like the u-bend from the sink. See? Why am I not being paid for this shit?) Great! I can so do this!

In my celebration dance I moved the flashlight. Uh oh. Why is the ceiling splintered? Oh, because it has serious water damage....wait, WHAT? As my stomach hit the floor I realized that the ceiling of the basement, which seems like no big deal, is the floor of the bathroom. Right under the toilet. Raise your hand if you just got a mental picture of you or your spouse sitting on the throne, minding your own and DOING your own business and suddenly falling through the floor and ending up in the basement..still sitting. (add an "H" to the word "sitting" if you like. it's your mental picture.) Yeah, me too. Not something I would personally like to clean up.

As it turns out, the wax ring that surrounds the toilet, the one that is supposed to protect your floor from any water damage, wore out on our toilet sometime in the mid 70's. Greeeaaaatttt. Now the floor is riding kinda sideways since the subfloor is rotting out. WONderful! Guess who gets to fix it? Ya damn right it's me.

So on my list for things I need to get done to this house before August are:
1. Kitchen remodel
2. Paint house and shutters
3. Have tree cut down before it rips the roof
4. Replace rotten boards in deck till we can afford to have it torn down and replaced
5. Get a new lawn mower before M cuts his leg off and we can no longer afford to fix this money pit.
6. Paint garage
7. Replace subfloor of bathroom, buy new toilet and sink, install them, re-tile bathroom, and beat Grandmonster senseless with the toilet brush until she learns exactly why it is that you are not supposed to neglect routine maintenance on your home.


This story does have an upside. I made a deal with Grandmonster. I told her I would find a way to pay for the entire bathroom remodel myself if she agreed to let me place the wooden cowboy in the back yard instead of the front. He now leans on the back wall of the garage, out of eyesight of myself and everyone else. I am nothing if not my father's daughter in the deal making category.

Posted at 9:52 AM

23 April, 2005
We hashed the fight out. It helped that he did not, in fact, buy anything at Best Buy last night, and that he took me there tonight to get a new phone. However, since the fine folks at Best Buy are a buncha money hungry thieves we ended up not getting one. Since I am a thrifty SOB I am currently figuring out a way to work the system and get my picture phone at a severely reduced price. I just have to talk to a couple of people first.

As getting a new phone was not in the cards tonight we had to do something to make me feel better. Okay, I had to do something o make me feel better. M had to do something to get out of the doghouse. So, I got to go out to dinner wherever I wanted AND we got me new music. I picked up a John Coltrane that I didn't have (and I have no idea how that particular one escaped my cd collection, but I have remedied that) and Ultra Lounge. I used to listen to the Ultra Lounge compilations in college. Basically, it is Martini music, songs from the 40's and 50's when men were tipsy and women wore only one color of lipstick...red.

I was so happy when I found it because I've been trying to track a copy of this one (a modge podge of all the cd's they released) for about ever. On top of it being all kindsa fun, the cd case itself is fuzzy plush leopard print with vinyl cover art. Can't you just smell the cheese from there? It includes tracks like "Cha Cha Cha D'amour", "Jump, Jive, and Wail", "The Peter Gunn Theme", and "Teach Me, Tiger". I am swimming in the yumminess!!!! I swear, I have no clue why I wan't born in the 40's. Oh yeah, there was no Mraz then. I guess I'm okay here, as long as there's vodka.

Plus I got 2 new nail polishes on our requisite stop at Walgreen's on the way home. M just might live after all.

Posted at 7:42 PM

22 April, 2005
I rarely fight with my husband, and when I do it is almost always ends up in a lighthearted "you suck"/"so's ya mama" fashion and we laugh and he apologizes (because it is NEVER my fault, even when it is) aaaaaaannnd, scene. But I am right this very second in a doozy with him that just might have him trying to squish his 6 foot frame into a comfortable sleeping position on an apartment sized loveseat tonight. Because I am the only one who knows where the key to the bedroom door is and I can get there first, that's what. This fight was loud and resplendant in its use of words of the four letter variety (mofo is a four letter word, but I decided not to shorten it when I said it to him) and even got BIL1 in trouble by association.

Now I realize that the reason for the fight will not seem all that big to most folks, but it was to me, and I know a lot won't understand why it pissed me off so bad, but I know why. Plus, it wasn't just my request that wasn't heeded, it was the FACT that my request was agreed upon and then the shifty M sidestepped it so it'd look like it wasn't intentional. I'd say I wanna kick him but that'd require me to be in the same room with him for a second and I don't wanna right now. Plus, I really don't want to kick him. Stare daggers into the back of his giant head, yes, but kick him, no.

Here's some backstory. Many of you know that I don't get out much. It's a side effect of no longer being able to drive. So other than Isabelle Day I probably get out of the house in a non grocery capacity about once every couple of weeks. Other than that, I'm stuck in a house with Grandmonster, TG music on a loop, and a schload of dust. Thank heavens for cable and an internet connection. A shitty dial up connection, but connection nonetheless. So when I ask for transportation to somewhere it's because I need it. And I ask very seldom.

Last night BIL1 mentioned his pre paid cell phone is out of minutes and he can never get to the minute selling place before it closes, what with him working 6 days a week and all. Since M and I have the family plan and neither of us use anywhere near the minutes we are allotted each month I asked if BIL1 might want to be added on to our family plan and we can split the bill 3 ways. He agreed and said we should go get him a new phone and set him up on the plan. M said he'd take him sometime this weekend and I asked to go with. My phone had an unfortunate accident a few weeks ago. It unfortunately was near Ruby's head when she was unfortunately out of chewies and the cell phone unfortunately looked like a suitable replacement. She unfortunately got in trouble, but not before I had big puppy teeth marks piercing my phone and shards of hard plastic poking out in the general direction of where I rest my cheek when talking on it. Now I need a new phone and the only way I can get one is to price them and save my pennies till I can afford one because M is savings impaired and if I wait till we have the money I will get a jetpack before I get a new phone. If it was his phone in this state he'd have hopped in the car that very second and spent the mortgage money on a new and upgraded one, but it was mine and I have to wait because of me being a grownup and all and having patience.

So 4 TIMES I expressed interest in going when they go get BIL1's new phone and 4 times was told that that wouldn't be a problem. Cut to about 10 minutes ago when BIL1 comes in all skippy and glowy and showing off his brand new picturephone. ASS! Oh no you DID NOT just go without me! He is not used to feeling my wrath anymore and has lost his thickness of skin that used to save his ass from the Lola burning before he changed his life to no longer allow himself to be a fuckup. Tough. Burn, asswipe.

So, me, with the yelling. I asked why it was he thought waving the phone that I myself was gonna start saving for in front of my face was a smart plan when he knew good and well that it meant that he and M went to Best Buy without me? He comes right out and says "I asked him about that and told him we should ask you to go." He's a loyal lil fucker, huh? Rats his big brother out at the first opportunity. I like that about him.

However, I did not like him at that second and retorted with "Well you mighta asked but you sure as shit didn't tell him to turn the car around and tell me where you were going, now did you Mr. Fancy Picturephoneman?" I believe I then spouted off a few things that may or may not have included calling him Scooter and telling him that the cell phone family plan was my deal and he probably shoulda thought about that before he spent all that money on a phone that will be used strictly for picture taking until I decide I wanna let him actually call someone...and even then it'll just be to call 911 since he will probably be bleeding out on the driveway while I point and laugh from inside the locked house. Then I think I might have told him to run, but I'm not sure.

He sprints back out the door to tell M "OOOOOOHHHH, you're in troooouuuubbleeee...". As predicted, my cell phone (you know, the one with the holes in it?) rang and I saw on the caller I.D. that it was my husband. Of course you know I answered the phone with the pleasantry "Unless you happen to have a picturephone in that car with MY name on it I really don't see me talking to you right now." M hemmed and hawwed and "baby, I didn't know if you would want to go out in this weather or not so I just went on my own" and "i thought you were taking a nap" and "I didn't know why you wanted to go anyway" and other bullshit shovelling techniques. Chhaa.

Guess what, Skippy? You not knowing why I wanted to go does not have any bearing on the fact that you knew I wanted to go and told me you'd take me. Oh, and don't think it passed my notice that you not only got paid today and had the ATM card with you to deposit the paycheck, but we got our state income tax return back today too. Blonde does not equal stupid and housewife does not equal "dumb as a sack of hammers". And if I find out that you went and spent a bunch of money on crap we do not need and cannot afford Ima be taking a hammer to your very own sack. Asshole.

Posted at 7:27 PM

20 April, 2005
a shout-out to my girl, Robin, who made coke with lime shoot out my nose with her blog entry. Do you know how hard you have to snort to pass a lime through your nose? A while, that's how long. But go see it anyway, and consider yourself warned. Put the beverages down.


Ok, back to the mix cd coalmines.

Posted at 8:20 PM


It has been previously established that I am a music junkie. Many, many times. So it should come as no surprise that Tuesdays, the day that new music comes out, is a good day for me. M usually stops at Best Buy or another store that sells cds and picks up whatever it is that we need. Yesterday I got the new Rob Thomas cd/dvd combo (there is a good chance that I might be a little in love with him…but I know I’m having an illicit love affair with his music. Fortunately M doesn’t care. He says it is an improvement on my 3 decade long affair with Prince. M can bite me. Prince is a genius.), and new music from someone on my “I would SO DO HER” list, Miss Shirley Manson, back with Garbage. Color me happy!

So you’d think with all this amazing audible sex roaming freely about the cabin I’d be knee deep in Garbage right about now, right? Wrong. I haven’t even cracked the nearly impossible and hermetically sealed cellophane wrappers. What have I been doing instead, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you…

One of my dearest loves in the whole world (who coincidently pretty much owns the top 10 spots on my “I would SO DO HER” list) happened to mention that her husband, DB, (who GETS to do her and I’m still bitter about that) might be wanting one of my mix cds that encompasses the decade of florescence known as the 80’s. She said it real nonchalant-like too. As if the mere suggestion that I compile an 80’s mix wouldn’t send me into a tailspin of glee and obsessive compulsiveness that would take over my world till I got it just right. But it did. And I am nothing if not thorough when it comes to the detailed and highly creative occupation that is making a mix cd for people I dearly love.

So I started easy. Some Cyndi Lauper, some Madge, some (and by some I mean A LOT OF) Prince, a touch of Bob Marley , with a bit of INXS tossed in for spice. That’s how it started. That’s how they all start with me. Cut to later that night, when I am polling whatever random people happen to be in my house as to what their 80’s tastes were, and I get the bright idea that this mix cd(s) needs to show something from each and every genre of 80’s music and still flow seamlessly into one another. Cut to an hour later when I am 5 pages of college ruled notepaper into the list and can be heard screaming things like “I am NOT putting You Can Call Me Al in as the Paul Simon track. It’s too obvious.” and “What the? How can I get to page 5 of this thing and not have even ONE Pixies song on there?” and “Do you think it’ll screw up my iTunes recommendations if I download an entire album by Tiffany tomorrow?”. Oh, and screaming the lyrics to whichever obscure 80’s tune that I decide needs to go on this cd(s).

Try explaining the fabulousness that is Night Ranger’s Sister Christian to anyone who was not alive in the 80’s and why The Traveling Wilbury’s were such an important band, or the fact that one song collaboration by Run DMC and Aerosmith paved the way for bands like Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park. (or trying to explain that we might never have any idea who Rockwell thought was watching him, for that matter. That mystery may never be solved.)

So this blog entry is dedicated to one of my favoritest husbands in the whole wide ever, DB. I just wanted you to know that you will, at some point, get that 80’s mix cd(s). It’ll probably be more of a box set, and you’ll probably get it after my computer dies from overload and starts spitting music back out at me through the USB ports, but whatever. You’ll get it. And before anyone asks, I do have enough to share with the whole class.

And ignore the bald patch on the left side of my head. The Hair Metal years got a bit tense.

Posted at 7:35 PM

19 April, 2005
I had this whole post, a long one, done for today but when I posted it only half of it showed up. Three paragraphs and infinite amounts of the funny got lost in the Internet Island of Lost Blogs. Now I'm just so irritated I am protesting by not finishing the damn thing. Not really. Actually I don't have time to finish it right now so I'll most likely do it this afternoon.

I'm just disappointed because it was another Grandmonster tale and I was all about the thwarting of her evil plans. And I prevailed. And you missed it. But whatever, I'll tell you sometime soon I'm sure.

I have noticed in the last hour or so that my blonde roots are showing. No, not the hair roots, although Ima need a highlight touch up...oh, about a week ago. I'm talking about my stereotypical blonde roots. Me, with the dumbness. I'm just not thinking clearly today for whatever reason. So anyone wishing to talk to me, beware. I'm not as dumb as I am portraying myself today.

Me, with the D-U-N-ness.

Posted at 11:10 AM

18 April, 2005
I am thoroughly enjoying it. Raise your hand if you are of..ahem...a certain age and can remember seeing a movie from a generation before and thinking "What were they smoking that made them dress like that? I'm so glad that I grew up in a time with decent fashion sense."

*lola's hand shoots up*

I can remember the exact second I first thought that. I was watching some movie on Saturday afternoon television. Since I am obviously a child of the 80's I quickly switched to a more suitable Kids Incorporated (admiring Renee's great sense of style. Renee rocked! Don't even get me started on that Martika girl, but for those playing the home game you realize that Stacey is now Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas, right? She's filled out nicely.) and wearing jellies with two different colors of socks. (neon pink and neon green) I was also sporting white jeans with an oversized shirt that was belted...over the shirt. I'm tellin' ya, I was cuuuuuuuttee!

Now, of course, I see the cringeworthyness of my attire (but not Renee's, she was adorable) and I am worriedly realizing that the 80's are here again. YEA!!! And me, without my jellies. (you know I'm lying, right? I have a pair of them in my closet right now. shut up, I bought them when I was in Florida and my flip flops broke. no really, I did.)

So here I am making coffee with VH1 in the backgroud and I hear a guitar lick that is strikingly familiar. "That's Rick Springfield!", say I, and sprint downstairs to get a better view. (and by sprint I mean "walked slightly faster than normal") It is a band of very early 20 somethings with questionable hair (this coming from the girl with faded purple locks) and with them is The Rickster looking 50 kindsa good. What song are they playing? Jesse's Girl. Yeah they were. And the video included a dance off between two sequin and legwarmer clad young ladies...breakdancing. Yeah they were. Of course I stuck around long enough to find out who these young'uns were with the music taste. They are a band called Frickin A. If you've seen Napoleon Dynamite you will take great delight in that...and I do.

So here we are, in 2005, without our jetpacks, listening to bands like Frickin A, The Killers, Franz Ferdianand, and Modest Mouse, with Old Navy pushing tunic tops and huge shirts and tapered legs jeans thinking,"Wow, that's some decent music and super hot threads!". Ima need y'all to promise to not take any photographs of actual persons until the next decade retro washes in with the tide. Do it for the children.

I can't help but wonder, what are the likes of Madonna, Sting, and Prince thinking about this? C'mon Madge, we're waiting for the reinvention! Or the re-reinvention. I hope she kept her wardrobe from the Lucky Star video, although I think she mighta given it to Paris Hilton already. That's hot. I also can't help but wonder if since I am about a biscuit away from 30 something if I would find that show, 30 Something, a bit less boring. I hope not.

and on a almost related note, (we were talking about music, right?) I found yet another new guy that I adore. His name is Matt Morris and his album is called Unspoken. I'm not gonna tell you how I came about finding his music until after you have heard him and fallen completely in love with his stuff. Rest assured, you will. It is the fist CD I have found in A LONG TIME that wasn't on iTunes and I couldn't wait to go find it in a store (because it probably won't be there and I don't have the kinda time it would take to find it) so I had to order it off Amazon.com. I need it quickly (because it is that good) and I'm broke so I was forced (sure I was) to order something else so I could get free super saver shipping. Shut up, I know that I ordered an extra $14 worth of stuff to save $5 on shipping. But I needed Billy Connolly's greatest hits DVD too. All I'm saying is that it better get here soon. The 30 second snippets on Amazon aren't gonna cut it for long.

Posted at 8:53 AM

16 April, 2005
Especially when it is a Rock Star doing the telling. Plus, I'm about to get ready to go see DANIEL so it's an easy blog entry. So, here we go!!

1. First Name: Lauren
2. Were you named after anyone? Lauren Bacall

3. Do you wish on stars? yes, all of them both individually and together
4. When did you last cry? last night. damn migraines.
5. Do you like your handwriting? yup, it's all curly-like

6. What is your favorite lunch meat? chicken
7. What is your birth date? IIIIII'm a yankee doodle daaaannndy, born on the 3rd of July!
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? soundtrack from "That's So Raven. it actually belongs to Princess Protege, but she keeps it in my CD binder.
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? y'know what? i sooooo would.
10. Are you a daredevil? not really. but i enjoy taking risks more than i used to.

11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? unfortunately, yes. but i have since corrected that character flaw.
12. Do looks matter? mine? yes. anyone else's? not at all.
14. Where is your second home? wherever my numbers are.
15. Do you trust others easily? yes.
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? books. still is.
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? geometry

18. Do you have a journal? yes, both online and otherwise.
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? are you new?
20. What are your nicknames? Lola, Lolabelle, Auntie Lo, #3

21. Would you bungee jump? no
22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? the majority of my shoes do not have ties. but when they do i untie them.
23. Do you think that you are strong? yes
24. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate chip
25. Shoe Size? 8
26. Red/pink? pink. me, with the girlie

27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? i can't think of anything. i know there are tons of things i don't like about myself, but since i'm a work in progress and i'm still progressing i don't see any of those things as permanent.
28. Who do you miss most? my girls.

29. Do you want everyone you sent this to send this back? duh.
30. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? i am wearing a blue sundress and black mary janes

31. What are you listening to right now? Lisa Marie Presley's new CD
32. Last thing you ate? froot loops.
33. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
34. What is the weather like right now? low sixties and beautiful!
35. Last person you talked to on the phone? Jennysue
36. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? smile
37. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I love her more than my iPod!
38. What is your Favorite Drink? sweet tea.
39. Favorite Sport?
UK college basketball and Cincinnati Reds baseball

Posted at 10:58 AM

15 April, 2005
I know I usually don't say a lot about my brothers-in-law, well not a lot sweet anyway, but Ima say a few things today. First, for those who don't know about them at all I'll give you the run down.

M is the oldest of three boys, so BIL#1 is three years younger than him and 1 year younger than me. BIL#2 is 1 year younger than BIL#1. They have both had problems with addiction (apparently their father, M's first stepdad, was an alcoholic and drug addict. He was also abusive to all 3 boys and M's mother. He left when BIL2 was a toddler. He passed away last year. No one in his family bothered to contact either of my B'sIL. They weren't that upset.). BIL1 has since turned his life around in a big way and stopped drinking and doing drugs, kept a job, been promoted really fast in that job, and has stopped dating teenagers. He also started going to church and has become a peer mentor and is really active in the youth ministry. BIL2 has...well, he still has a job, anyway.

Both have tried & succeeded in living in this house with us. Both have been tossed out by me. BIL1 found his way back in and is now apartment shopping and has yet to piss me off in a way that would cause me to toss his ass back out on the street. BIL1 is the mechanic. BIL2 is the jailbird, mostly due to the fact that he drinks until the fun drunk wears off and the belligerent wears in. The last time he got put in jail it was because after he started a bar brawl and hit a police officer in the head with a beer bottle they put him in cuffs and looked him up and saw that he also hadn't paid child support in, like, ever. But both B'sIL are very personable people. I like them both. I'd like them more if they had never lived here.

However, now that BIL1 has made the life change he is waaaaaaay easier to live with and is now an actual help. Plus, he gives me money. Beyond even that, I genuinely like the guy. He is my music buddy. I sucked him straight outta the all-Tupac-all-the-time channel and into my musical realm. Basically, he took me to a Jason Mraz concert for my birthday a few years ago and he got hooked. That's when he became vulnerable to my music magic. Since then we have been in synch with our musical tastes and even share an iTunes subscription and update our iPods on the same program so we can share whatever music either one of us has newly acquired. He's a good kid. I'm glad that I know him.

BIL2 is a bit more...controversial. He's been out of jail for about a year now. He decided to stay out of jail pretty much the second he called this house to tell us that the judge said he could get out 8 months early if we'd let him be on in-house arrest at our house...again. I said, "BIL, I love you. No. I'll drop off more socks and a carton of Newports at the jail next time I am downtown. Good luck." I guess he finally got the memo that since Grandmonster, his own mother, and none of his brothers could be grown ups I was now "in charge". No one in this family could stop being an enabler, even though they knew that letting his ass off the hook each and every time would mean that there would soon be a next time. Imagine that?

Well, he did the rest of his time without complaining. He asked if he could move back in when he got out. I said no. M told him that he was the one who said no. So, BIL got out and rented a house with some buddies. They got evicted because they smoked their rent. BIL got an apartment with more reliable buddies. Just this week, he moved into an apartment with his newest girlfriend. (yes, she's still a teenager, but she is 19 so that's an improvement. plus, she has a job. she is his boss.) He has kept the same job for 7 months now and according to the owner he is indispensable. He pays his bills BEFORE he drinks, and since his job doesn't really pay that great he has worked out a deal with his Babymama where he mows her grass, fixes anything that breaks in the house, runs errands for her, and babysits for not just his child but her other child as well. All in exchange for a discounted child support. He's not completely fixed, but I can see all the changes he's made and it is a definite improvement.

But he still can't live here. We joke about it now. Every time he needs M to do something, like drop off some of his stuff or pick him up from work (he can't afford a car right now) he tells me to tell him that if M doesn't do it I am to tell him that he is moving back in. It's funny, really. Because we both know it isn't true. Especially me.

BIL2 and I get along really well too. I don't get to see him as much (because he is not living here...and won't be...ever), but when he does drop by, or we go to the restaurant where he works (and he is an amazingly good cook! plus, he feeds us for free. like I said, girlfriend is his boss.) we have a great relationship. He said he respects me for not letting him come back home because he knows why I did it. He is a good kid and I am so proud of him for the changes he is making in his life.

So, back to my point. The other night, my cell phone rang at about 11:45. I was already in bed but I answered it anyway. It was BIL2. The conversation is as follows:
me: hullo?
BIL2: Lola? it's B. are you okay?
me: ummm, yes. are you?
BIL2: yeah, i'm fine. i just got a really bad vibe. for some reason i just needed to check and make sure you are okay.
me: i'm fine, bub. so's everyone else here.
BIL2: *sigh* okay, i was just worried about you. wanted to make sure you're okay. i'll let you go back to sleep.
me: okay. hey, thanks for checking on me.
BIL2: not a problem. i just don't want anything to happen to you. see ya tomorrow.
me: okie doke. night.

How sweet was that? He told me yesterday (we went to eat at his diner) that he was really glad I was related to him and he wanted to make sure that I was safe and wasn't sick or hurt or something. You know what? I really like having brothers. Both of them treat me just like they would their own sister, just like they treat each other. That's nice.

Unfortunately, BIL2's radar was a bit off, but the vibe was real. That night one of his good friends was driving home on the Gene Snyder (it is a local highway) and fell asleep at the wheel. He crossed the median and hit a semi head on at more than 60 mph. He didn't make it. I'm praying for his family.

That's all from me today. Miss Olive is home from vacation so we're gonna go do some catching up in the guise of retail therapy. The new clothes are so much fun that I think I need more.

Posted at 11:43 AM

13 April, 2005
Anyone who knows me knows the answer to this question. Hell, anyone who has read my blog for more'n a minute knows this! I'm not. Want proof?

Since a random test on the internet is proof positive of something I went ahead and took one. And by that I mean, I was searching random blogs and found this on one of them and took it for lack of a better blog topic.


My score was:
79% (Dixie). You are a solid Southerner!


So I am looking for entertaining memes to use on slow blog days. For those who don't know what a meme is (and I must admit that until a month or so ago, I didn't) I'll take a couple of great definitions from this site http://www.iampariah.com.

meme n (mëm): A unit of cultural information, such as a cultural practice or idea, that is transmitted verbally or by repeated action from one mind to another. From the Greek mimëma, something imitated, from mimeisthai, to imitate.

In Blogspeak, a meme is an idea that is shared and passed from blog to blog, like a question posted in one blog and answered in many other blogs.

In my language, it is the list that one person posts on their blog that becomes contagious. It's a domino thing. Plus, if there's nothing going on it is so much easier to just fill in the blanks then try to think of something original on a damp, cold Wednesday. Kinda like today. For example, there was one rolling around called the Friday Random Ten. I forget where I found it but I'm betting it was from another iPod junkie like myself, so my apologies to the one who created it. It goes as follows; set your iPod/MP3 player/music player/whatever to random. List the first ten songs that come up.

For the record, here's mine from today.
1. Drown In My Own Tears- Ray Charles
2. Inaudible Melodies- Jack Johnson
3. Omaha- Counting Crows
4. Brown Eyed Girl- Van Morrison
5. Baby Won't You Please Come Home- Louis Prima/Keely Smith
6. Across The Universe- John Butler Trio
7. Flamenco Sketches- Miles Davis
8. I'll Do Anything acoustic- Jason Mraz, live @ Jimmy Kimmel's
9. Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine- The Killers
10. Wait So Long- Digby

As a general rule (and because I am a music whore and feel the need to have more control on what Ima listen to randomly ((shut up))) I tend to pick playlists and put that on random instead of putting the whole music library on random. I started doing that because when I just had it on general random I'd hear a Jason Mraz song followed by a chapter from The Diary Of Anne Frank. This is what happens when you have audiobooks on the iPod. But those are my Wednesday Random 10. And that's a meme.

I bet if I really tried I could use the word Random one more time. Wait...I just did.

Whatever, I'm bored. Ima go watch Dr. Phil.

Posted at 2:21 PM

12 April, 2005
Yes, yes I could. 3 days more to be exact. Yeah, we just did our taxes to-day. Since we did them at 6:43 on April 15th last year we are steadily improving. Not a huge improvement, but at least it's something. I swore last year that this year we'd have our taxes done by February 2nd. Yeah, that wasn't ever gonna happen, especially since we itemized this year. As I had no earthly idea how to go about itemizing and what all we could use to itemize (and those stupid Tax Cut programs did not work at all for us) I had to do a bit of research so I'd know what to bring with me to the tax guy. Plus, it involved math. I hate math. So I did the research and kept putting off the actual filing. M wanted to wait till Friday but I insisted that we do it today or we'd just switch roles and he could do the research and math and I would just sign the papers. We see how that turned out.

Since I was already in research mode and already at the financial guy's place of business I made M bite the bullet and started a Roth IRA. I know he doesn't want to work till he's 97 and I'd like to someday actually have money, so I thought it would be a fine idea to take some of our refund money and start it already. So we did. Now I just need to finish figuring out how to expand our Mutual Fund portfolio and I can quit with the financial shit already. My Dad is so proud.

Ugh, no more grown up crap for at least 12 hours. I'm officially full up now. If I get any more grown up I will not get near as much amusement out of my sparkly new clothes that I got this weekend. God bless the rhinestone tank top, sequinned gypsy skirt, beaded peasant blouse, and Mary Janes that wandered into my wardrobe on Friday. And by wandered I mean "painstakingly chosen, tried on, and purchased by Lola". Because I love them. The Mary Janes alone have placed me squarely on Cloud 9 (where nine pointed stars live). I'm so damn cute it's a wonder anyone here can stand it. Oh, wait, I don't care if they can or not. I love each and every molecule of my cute. However, when I put on my sparkly new outfit, M was sufficiently impressed. I had to force him to stop holding my hand long enough to get the groceries put away. Now that is a successful new outfit. Big shout out to Jennysue for making me buy something for myself for once...and for other things too.

Finally, as a public service announcement I have to tell y'all to go get some of the new Coke with lime. I am partaking of one right this very second. In the immortal words of M, right after he broke down and tasted one, "That's pretty fucking good!". Yes it is.

All right, I'm spent.

Posted at 6:01 PM


Guess who spent yesterday learning some basic HTML? Me, that's who. I used this lovely new knowledge to get myself a brand spankin' new template and customize it to my specifications. Since I went through a total of about 5 templates yesterday, customizing as I went along, just to decide that this might be the one I want for now I have a feeling that the look of Tales of 3 will change as the mood strikes. But for now, I'm liking the argyle thing. It is Springy and green, and I am so loving the green lately.

Here's where I began learning the HTML thing.

Yes, this is a kids' site, and no, I am not ashamed to say that I learned a lot from it. Apparently, breaking it down Nickelodeon style is the way to go when it comes to teaching Lola computer stuff. Hey, it worked. That's what matters, right? Just wait till I start learning how to make my own graphics!

On another note: I bought a new swimsuit and matching flip flops this weekend. They are wondermus and lovely and I hardly ever say that about a swimsuit...at least not one that Ima try to fit myownpersonal fat rolls in. But I love them and I am one new beach towel and a few paperbacks away from being ready for the pool!!!! Since I already know I will not only be spending a whole buncha quality time at the pool this Summer, but quality time at the pool with Jennysue, Bev, Jenna, and Isabelle, I am massively excited! Excited enough to go buy a swimsuit and corresponding flip flops with my Easter Gift Card to Target, that's how excited!

In addition to this fashion induced excitement, I have another added happy to...well, add. Since both of my dogs have allergies I have to clean their ears with a solution that the vet gave us and q-tips once a week. Yesterday was the very first time in the almost 11 months since we brought Ruby home that there was no dried blood on the q-tip!!! Gross, I know. But it made me happy, and it made M happy, and I know it made Ruby happy. So, me, with the happy! Sue me.

Posted at 10:24 AM

11 April, 2005
Okay, so I love Spring. We got that. It makes me happy and I wouldn't change a damn thing about it. Except I would. If it was a perfect world I would not be allergic to dogs, penicillin, hormones, cigarettes, or Spring. I am stuffy girl today. I love the forsythia in my yard, and there is a lot of it, but I am Sniffy the Wonder Three today because of it. I don't care though, because the benefits far outweigh the sniffles. I'll take the Sudafed and cut a few more branches of pretty yellow flowers to put in the big blue vase on my tv.

And then there are the ants. About once a year, round about...oh, NOW, I begin to see a moving black line going across my driveway right in front of the garage. Ants! A thousand million of them, give or take a thousand million...well, give anyway. They are everywhere. Everywhere of course means "coming into my house and crossing every path outside my house that I want to go through". I feel like I'm crossing a picket line every time I need something in the garage or need to get the mail. Since M's union is currently in negotiations with his employer I don't wanna tempt fate. We have some serious repair work to do on the house right now and that retro pay will come in handy.

But that isn't the least of my ant problems. Grandmonster won't let anyone use the bug spray for ants. For anything else, yes, but not for the ants. I'm sure you're asking if maybe she likes the ants. No, no she doesn't. "Then why?", you ask. I'll tell you why. Because many many moons ago someone (who shall remain nameless because if I find out who it is Ima kill the sumbitch) told Grandmonster that if she wanted to keep ants out of the house all she had to do was put a penny on either side of the door. "Ants don't like copper," said they, "and if there is a penny on either side of the door then the ants will stay out."

So now, every time she catches me with the bug spray she picks up the pennies, I can only assume to check and see if there were any signs of them not being operational, and then once again regale me with the story of how ants don't like copper.

Okay, 1. I don't care.
2. Ants don't give a shit about copper because inside the copper guarded door is an abundance of ant food.
3. There is more than one door to this house.
4. Ants don't exclusively use doors.
and 5. Pennies are not made out of copper anymore. Not for generations. Because a penny's worth of copper actually costs about 30 cents now and the government would rather spend that 30 cents to save up for a $300 toilet seat and a raise for Congress than spend it making a 1 cent piece. So the theory is blown unless you have a few 1894 pennies laying around.

Yet still, she persists. Despite the fact that EVERY YEAR there have been ants getting into this house and NO YEAR has been ant free, she still gives me the penny vs. ants story every time she sees me with the bug spraying. So I spray before she gets up in the morning. Let the woman look like a lunatic when she tells people about the pennies. I'm sick of ants. So if you happen to come over to my house and notice that there aren't any ants and Grandmonster has explained the change by the door, it's because I spray. I'm just sayin'.

On an unrelated note, I hate full ashtrays. This is why I generally empty ashtrays when they get more than a few butts in them (except the outside ashtrays. Those are M's domain. If they are inside Ima empty them). But I can't empty them if I don't know they are full. M left a full ashtray on top of a stack of cds (because that's a safe place) on top of the computer desk, which is above my eyeline and I didn't think to check to see if there was an ashtray hanging out at the 7 foot mark of the room. SO this morning when I went to turn on the computer I bumped into the desk with my knee (as I am wont to do) and the ashtray and cds came a-tumblin' down. On me. And I had just finished putting on lotion. So the ashes stuck to me. And fell on the keyboard. So my fingers now smell like a dirty ashtray. I hate M. And I have to take another shower now.

Posted at 10:03 AM

06 April, 2005
Update: I wrote a second blog entry today but I can't figure out how to get it above this one instead of below. So below is where it be.
aaaaaaaaannnnnd, scene.

That's my theme song today. Thank you, Gloria Estefan, for correctly crafting those lyrics. I've been living under a most heinous strain of ghetto flu for well over a week now and today is the first day I could crawl outta bed without an overwhelming sense of icky and massive vertigo. I still have the cough that sounds like I have a loose muffler and serious carborator issues but at least I'm not out of breath just walking back from the bathroom.

Andandand, SPRING'S HERE! I've never been so happy to see my yard begininng to be attacked by weeds in my whole life. Why is it that each year that passes makes me abhore winter that much more? I just don't like it. Sure, seeing the first flakes of snowfall is magical, and the quiet majesty of a blanketed landscape incites peotic thoughts, but only for about 30 seconds. Then I'm just cold and bored and stuck in a house without a fireplace and a yard filled with gray slush. I'll take dandelions over slush at any time. The forsythia is blooming in both my backyard and in a vase on top of my tv. That means the honeysuckle isn't far behind.

I love watching Spring creep up in the south. I eagerly calculate the temperatures every day and gauge how many more days it'll be before I can throw that back door open and let the breeze waft though the house, blowing the stale winter air out and letting LIFE in! My back door is currently wide open and I know I have at least a month before I have to fix the screen door so I can enjoy the breeze without having to track down my fly swatter. My tulips are tall and healthy, the dogs are sunbathing on the deck, and I have started making sure there is ALWAYS fresh sweet tea, just exactly like my Grandma's, in my house. Because my Grandma makes the best sweet tea in this region, that's what. It's so good that we make her bring it to every family gathering, even though we all know how to make it.

I'm feeling very southern today. I don't know if it's the breeze, the sunshine, or the fact that I have on waaaaaay more mascara than any self respecting yankee would be seen in outside of the local drag show. Now I've visited the more northern parts of this country, even lived in a few northern cities, and I like them just fine. However, I have known my whole life that I am a southern girl and there is no way anyone could mistake me for anything else. I wouldn't wanna be anything other than southern. In fact, I'm not sure how anyone survives as anything other than southern. I can't imagine living anywhere where you ask for tea at a restaurant and the waiter asks if you want it sweet or unsweet. If I want unsweet tea I will ask for unsweet tea. If I ask for tea there'd better be sugar involved...and none of that Splenda shit either. One cup sugar per quart of tea. That's how it's done. And strong enough to walk from my table back to the kitchen to fetch its own ice. I want to be able to find a restaurant that carries fried pickles, and more than one so I can compare and contrast. Andandand, everything must come with sauce. Everything. I want to live in a region where the following sentence, when overheard, doesn't get even one eyelash batting except by the person saying it. (if the person is female and the sayee is male)

"Excuse me, sir? This sauce could use more sauce. Could I have it on the side, please?"

That, my friends, is a fat activity. I'm so glad I'm southern. Now I'm hungry.

Posted at 4:28 PM


I can smell it. And it doesn't smell anything like teen spirit but it is a very distinctive smell nonetheless. I knew it even before I watched the news. I felt it during my first cuppa java this morning. It is probably one of my most favoritest of smells in the whole wide ever. It is gonna happen soon. Like within the hour soon. Moment to moment, I can feel it getting closer and the dogs and I are just waiting with anticipation.

The first spring thunderstorm is gonna be here any second now. Just a second ago I felt the barometer drop. I don't know how I know it dropped, I just know. The teensy tinyest chill just hit the sweet green breeze a second ago and I got all shivery with excitement. I love thunderstorms. There's a huge difference between ucky winter slushy gray rain and warm blue spring dandelion rain. I hate the former and I LIVE for the latter. I can't wait to pile myself up on the couch and watch the rain flow down, giving my garden a much needed drink and allieviating me from having to drag the hose out of the garage and untangle it and bitch the whole time that I have to drag it out to the front of the house to hook it up to the one working outside faucet just to water the flowers in the back yard. We so need a hose organizer, yet we never remember to get one.

But that's not why I love the spring rain so much. I just love watching thunderstorms. It's like an unexpected fireworks show. Even Gus gets all excited when that chill hits the air. Ruby, not so much. She's getting better though. She no longer hides under the covers (although I must say, that is waaaaaaaaay cute). Now she just hides behind Gus and looks to make sure that neither he nor I are scared at all. I guess she figures as long as we're not scared nothing's gonna eat her.

So Ima pop some Sweet and Buttery popcorn courtesy of Orville Redenbaucher and get ready for the show. I'll save room on the couch in case anyone wants ta join me.

Posted at 2:34 PM

The Wild Flower
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