27 June, 2005
This is not spell checked or any other thing checked. I haven't the time. Yet, here it is anyway...

As you can see from my delightful ticker above, my birthday is a mere 6 days away. That is 6 days left of my twenties. If I had a second to think about that it might be harrowing, but I don't, so it isn't. The twenties were pretty good to me. Yeah, a lot of them sucked eggs, but I sure learned a lot. I especially learned that I rarely had car accidents, but when I did I made them count. However, I never got hurt. So that's something. I also learned that I am a dog person. I had a cat when I was in elementary school who hated everyone but me (I loved that cat a lot) then didn't get another pet, a dog (sort of) till I was 12, and that time I got one that barely qualified as an actual animal (the most Sammie ever weighed was 9 pounds. She made Tinkerbell look obese, and well dressed. Remind me to tell you of the year I bought her an argyle sweater and a New Orleans Saints sweatshirt.) made it obvious a real dog, Gus, was the way to go for me. Now I have 2 real dogs and M will not shut up about getting another.

I also learned that I hatehatehate living in an ugly house. Hence the remodel. I got into it with the Grandmonster today about the kitchen. She has agreed (all on her own, without me prodding and going out to find bamboo shoots) that only a few of the current TG collection pictures will go back in the kitchen. This occurred after I told her that if I was gonna spend eleventeen hours spackling the holes in the walls she's gonna have to find another way to display things rather than nailing them to the wall. I think she knows that this doesn't mean she can nail them to the furniture, but Ima hide the hammer just in case.

Grandmonster and I packed up all of her wedding china into waterproof containers a few weeks ago so she could give it to her daughter, The Flake. Now The Flake is the type of person who steps up anytime we say we are getting rid of something and says to not throw it away because she wants it. Then it sits in our house till I have to rent $2000 worth of dumpsters to get rid of it. So when we packed up the dishes I told Grandmonster AND The Flake that these would stay in our house no longer than a week. Yup, they are still here. They now reside under Grandmonster's living room table.

I told her today that The Flake needs to pick them up in the next 2 days since we would be needing the space to store things while my mother and I redo the kitchen. She balked at the idea that we'd need the space under the table. Um...where exactly do you think we will be putting OUR dishes while we repaint and refinish the cabinets? We're gonna need all the space we have. Hence why M and I have spent the last 2 weeks emptying out the dining room, our family room, M's office, and our bedroom. We also have to get all of the crap out of the buffet and sideboard and that stupid shelf thingy that is hiding behind the kitchen table in such a way so that no one can sit on that side. These have to be emptied because I can't move them when they are full.

She looked confused for a second and then asked why we needed to move the furniture. Because I am not planning on painting AROUND the furniture so there are clean white walls everywhere except where ugly furniture is. Plus, I'm betting no one wants to hold the buffet up in the air while I put down new linoleum and keep it elevated while the glue dries.

"We're getting new linoleum?" sayeth she.

"No, I just brought those samples home for you to pick and choose from because I thought it might be just the thing to break up your day." sayeth I.

I told her that everything needed to be moved by this weekend (not DURING this weekend, but BY this weekend. meaning by Friday evening.) because M and I were busy all weekend and the remodel starts pretty quick after that. So if there is stuff you want it has to find a home outside of the kitchen by then and if there is stuff The Flake wants it has to go to her home by then. M will drive it there himself.

Our tete `a tete went on for another few minutes but it got really boring and silly by then. Final result? She's moving ALL her stuff out of MY kitchen. BONUS!!! I might be getting the hang of this in-laws thing. Bad for blogging but good for me!

So back to my original point. I think I had one. Oh yeah, tis birthday season. M's is tomorrow. The Flake's is Wednesday. Mine is Sunday. I am back on full time Mo duty (and at least one of you know why I don't mind that) because she is sick all over again. She was getting better, now getting worse. I'm just looking for a happy medium. However, I did do something just for me this weekend. I went to see Bewitched and sprung for the Director's Hall cushy seats with the footrest. Worth the extra 2 dollars and then some. So, I am partially recharged and ready to run again.

That's it for today. I know it was rambly and pointless and all over the place, but just be happy I blogged at all. Now someone help me find my bra so I can go out into the world and fetch ginger ale. I seem to have misplaced it again. Gayan!!! I think Amanda took a hostage.

Oh, and a HOWDY to my own personal mama and her darling friends who stop by here occasionally to read the goings on in DGN's daughter's life. I'm honored to be a part of your free internet time. Feel free to comment at will.

Posted at 1:03 PM

24 June, 2005
Everyone get settled,bring your cookies and juice and sit attentively in the circle because Lola's gonna take you to the way back. This is a story of a young girl with her very first serious boyfriend. We'll call him The Puppeteer, because that's what he was. He was a whole lot more than that, like a cheater, incredibly charming, and really really good looking. He was also a member of the elite "not so bright". Be careful not to get crumbs on the rug and I will give you a little exposition.

TP was about a year and a half older than me. We met at my after school job in the arcade at a local mall. Later we both switched to a new job at the local movie theater where we spent the majority of our free time watching free movies and trying to get out of having to wear the goofy ass uniforms. I succeeded, he did not. I met him when I was still in high school but never changed my plans to go to an out of town college so about a semester after I left town (running up ridiculously high phone bills) he transferred up to my school and we lived in the same dorm for a few years. TP had a slight (and by slight I mean insane and unfounded) dislike for one of my best college friends, A, and was harboring a LARGE jealous streak of any boy that happened to walk across my path. Isn't it strange how people who are REALLY jealous are that way because they know what they themselves are doing while out of eyeshot of their significant other? Yup, him too.

This story begins near the end of a semester. I have made plans to study for a huge art history final with my friend, A, at her apartment across town. In order to do this without hearing a bunch of crap from TP I had to jump through hoops that entailed me making him dinner in my room before I go and letting him eat the dinner in my room since his didn't have HBO. So I make the dinner and then call downstairs to his room to tell him to come upstairs so I can leave. Right as his phone is ringing for the 4th time he shows up at my door. He sees me on the phone and asks who I'm talking to. I say, "Your answering machine." He says, "Oh...(volume increases) HI TP!!!". So I sit him down and give him the plate containing his food and leave him happily watching a crappy movie on pay cable.

I spend a greuling few hours at A's apartment studying for the final, then make my apologies to my friends and leave by 11:30 because I promised TP I'd be home by midnight. When I get home at 11:57 I call his room (because I know he's done with dinner because of all the dirty dishes he left and the crumbs on my bed) to let him know I am home and safe. Wait, no answer, answering machine.

me: hey, I'm home. I guess you're in the bathroom or somewhere. Call me back.

Cut to an hour later. Still no call back and he has the keys that are going to get me to my final tomorrow so I need to get those so I can pass this class. I call again...

me: Hey, are you even home or are you just not checking your messages? Call me, I need the keys.

I do this over and over again every half hour for a while then decide to risk the wrath of the Resident Advisers (snort) and go down to the boys' floor anyway and knock and see if I can wake his ass up to get the keys. Nope, he's not there. His neighbor said he left about 10 and hasn't seen him since. Wha? Okay, now I'm getting worried. It is 3:15 in the morning on a Thursday. And this was before the wide usage of cell phones so getting hold of him would require me driving around town to find him and he has the keys.

He finally turns up a little after 4. Did he call me back? Nope. He finally answered my call on one of the thirty times I called his room. I asked where the hell he was and he couldn't give me a satisfactory answer. All he said was he didn't appreciate the message I left on his machine. Wha? Narrow that down, Skippy. I've left about 40 messages since midnight. I told him to meet me on the stairs where I would be prepared to defend my position (and I could be in arm's range to kick his ass).

So there we are, on the staircase between the girls' floor and the boys' floor (the young can always find a way around those pesky curfews), him with a grumpy face and me looking vastly confused. I asked once again which message he took offense to. He said,

"The one from A's house when some guy asked who you were talking to and then yelled ""Hi TP!!!"".

I gotta admit, it took me a second. Then it hit me in a fit of hysterics. It was a full minute before I could speak through the laughter and in that minute TP's head went from normal pissed off color to almost blue with anger. I had to stop laughing and tell him what was so funny before it exploded all over my favorite jammies.

"Dumbass!", sayeth I, "that was your own voice you heard on your answering machine." Then I ran him through how that message got on his phone in the first place. If you haven't figured it out, read the beginning of the story again.

So after he felt dumb and calmed down and apologized to me a few hundred times for being an idiot, and I forgave him (because his idiocy was not news to me) and patted his pretty head and moved on, I finally asked where he was the whole time he was out of the dorm being petulant. He said he went out for a couple of beers and I laughed again and gave him a hug and said I was off to bed since I needed to be up and ready to take the final in 3 hours. As I was pulling back from the hug I saw it....

Bright pink lipstick on his neck. Apparently he went out for a few beers and a few lapdances. The laughing stopped. The pissedoffedness began. I spoke not a word, but showed him the hand, and proceeded to lock myself in my room with plans to Scarlet O'Hara the issue till after the finals. (Scarlet O'Hara, as in "I'll think about this tomorrow".)

TP spent the night apologizing over and over to the outside of my door. I put my headphones on and proceeded to not listen. When his voice ran out he fell asleep on my threshold. When morning came and it was time for me to leave for class I simply stepped over him with instructions to my neighbor to tell him I left when he woke up. I passed my final.

What followed is simply a story of me being gullible and taking his ass back. That sucked for me, but y'all get the big payoff because this is not nearly the only story of its kind.

And that, Dear Readers, is one of many stories of The Puppeteer. Someday I will tell you of the Final Straw. Now throw your napkins away and wait in single file line for your parents to pick you up from Storytime With Lola. Until next time...

Posted at 9:27 AM

22 June, 2005
That realization is that since I have been spending about 99% of my waking hours with the Ailing Elderly I have pretty much nothing to say. Not because I don't want to say anything, just that I have zero stories because my life is wake up, take meds, get dressed, get in car, go to Mo's, take care of Mo, clean various parts of Mo's house and/or person, feed Mo, run Mo's errands, feed her again, get her ready for bed, come home run Grandmonster's errands, ignore Grandmonster unless she is freaking out, field calls from The Flake to keep her from freaking out and coming over here, feed anyone who happens to be here, feed dogs, play with dogs briefly, go to sleep. That leaves little time for fun and frivolity and therefore the funny and the interesting has little time to take hold.

Soooooooo, I think it might be time (after much probing from those who know the stories) to tell y'all about another character in my life, The Puppeteer. Don't worry. This one is loooooong gone from my life (Praise The Lord and all God's people say Amen) but the stories live on. Ima take my Handy Dandy notebook to the pool and to Mo's with me today and begin recounting some of the highlights of my life with The Puppeteer and when I get a second I will transcribe them here.

Bait your breasts, everybody.

Posted at 9:15 AM

16 June, 2005
Kinda like me, huh? Just a quick howdy do to let all those praying for a certain something for a certain me that I'd take all the prayers you can give me. The "procedure" was today. The results are sometime later. Was that vague enough for ya? But please and thank you and I love you all.

Next order of business. It is amazing the things you run into on the web when you aren't specifically looking but they show up at the precise perfect time anyway. Here I am, a woman with Spina Bifida and all the fun and excitement that comes along with it, trying to quit smoking and get (and stay) pregnant all at the same time and look who I found! Amy is a woman with SB who has a beautiful daughter and a loving husband and an amazing storytelling ability. I've linked her on the sidebar twice. That's how happy I am to have found her! [sidenote to Christel: check out what the symbol is next to her url on her site. It's kismet, I'm tellin' ya!] I'm loving her and her site. On the off chance that someone gets here to my blog whilst searching for Spina Bifida info I want to make sure they see her too. Just knowing someone else is out there dealing with the same stuff that I deal with makes the world a little less lonely for me. I hope someday I can do the same for someone else.

And lastly, my computer was boycotting gmail for 4 whole days!!! I have since found a way around the block but now I'm catching up on 4 days of mail so if you are waiting for a response from me just be patient a second longer and I promise I'll get to you between naps and caring for the elderly. Despite the fact that my computer doesn't like it (it's like Mikey in the old Life commercials. it hates everything.) I do adore the gmail. I have invites left if anyone wants to get their own account.

Okie Dokie Non-Smokie. Ima crawl back into the comfy new comforter and bury myself under some old school Mraz. (Live @ Java Joe's, Mraz 101) Batteries set on re-charge. Lovin' you.

Posted at 7:43 PM

15 June, 2005
Ima start from scratch on Monday. I'm doing the "cutting back" technique to save myself from withdrawal and to save my family from accidental homicide. Fortunately, I have a board full of others quitting smoking for the same reasons to support me (or to take the side off of the house in the event I die and weigh 472 pounds. If that's the case, the Nummas know what they have to get out of the house before my own personal mama gets there.). We'll see how that goes. I was gonna start this past Monday but the stress took aholt of me and told me that iffin I didn't smoke a cigarette RIGHTFUCKINGNOW there was a good chance I'd become homicidal by noon.

Since I have been guilted by a Numma to write something, anything I'll delight you with yet another tale of my home life, otherwise known as Lola's Home for the Elderly and the Criminally Insane. This one is about my MIL, the flake.

Last Friday was the Grandmonster's birthday, either her 75th (again) or her 77th depending on if you ask her how old she is or if you look at her driver's license. So The Flake decided to have a surprise birthday party for the Grandmonster on her special day. Unfortunately, Grandmonster was right in the middle of an Attack of the Cancer and was not, at that time, receiving visitors. In fact, the Grandmonster specifically said that she would not be leaving her bed for any reason and didn't want to talk to anyone except me (the one who brings her nutrition and fluids and medicines and turns on her 39 stereos when the various CD's need to be started over). I told this to The Flake. I told her not to come over and to not have a party because Grandmonster didn't want one. She said okay, I was right, and she'd be right over.

Here is a list (because we love the list) of the reasons why this is not a good idea and/or why I feel the need to have her drawn and quartered at a public park.

1. The party was to be held at MY HOUSE. Because despite the fact that The Flake lives on 96 acres she refuses to have any function at her house.

2. She decided to have the party a week before but didn't actually inform us of this until Thursday night.

3. I was expected to clean house and stock the fridge and find a way to host the damn thing. I SO didn't. She wants to have a party here, she can clean the bathroom. I didn't actually want to interact with any of the mofos who were dumb enough to come over after I warned them not to. So I didn't.

4. Lola, not in a great place right now so trying to make conversation with me at any point would not be a good plan. So you know she showed up right on time, and was dropped off here so she had no way to leave when I threatened her life.

5. Again, Grandmonster was NOT RECEIVING VISITORS and this included The Flake so she was left with no choice but to plant ass on my couch and ask what I was watching on TV and what did that guy just do and why did that girl run from him and why did that one guy hit that Mary girl in the head with a garden shovel. (I was watching Shaun of the Dead)

So there she is, The Flake, planted on my couch and getting a bit peckish. She decides that she's gonna save the KFC coupons for when Grandmonster is feeling better but she'll just have BIL#1 pick up a few pizzas on his way over, after he picks up his child and new girlfriend.

WHAT? I was under the impression that we decided to NOT have this party until Grandmonster once again gives a shit that it is her birthday (hoping and praying that that doesn't occur until next year).

Nope, The Flake still wanted to see everyone so she told BIL#1 to come on over because we'd just have a nice dinner together and then have the party next week. So now I am in the position to host two parties that I didn't want to have. (Fear not, I have since weaseled out of the Birthday party) So all sorts of fucked up people come over to our house and get no entertainment from me since I told her I wasn't having any party and I went to bed, leaving M with instructions to take her ass home as soon as possible and usher any errant B's IL out the door right before he does so.

I have no idea if that is what happened. I took my nigh nigh meds and went to bed with my own Attack of the Cancer.

So, that's my story. I just wanted to make sure that Christel has something fun to read the next time she stops by and to let folks know that I am not, in fact, dead in a ditch. I am just runnin' and runnin' and runnin' and going to the pool for a second and runnin' some more. I swear, the catching up will begin soon. I just need to take care of some bidness or run myself ragged till I take to the bed to do nothing but watch bad daytime TV and call everyone. Because I know there's some dirt I need to know about. That is all. Carry on. Nothing to see here.

Posted at 7:59 PM

10 June, 2005
Have you ever tried to walk through water? Not walk on water, but through it. Like playing Marco Polo and trying to run through waist deep water to get away from that splashing sound that you know means that "it" is right close to you and if you don't haul ass you're goona be "it". That is the metaphor of the week to explain my life. I'm just trying to keep up and it is taking monumental effort to do so. Everything is getting done, thanks to my amazing friends who have taken on some of my shit for the week to leave me a little breathing room. I'd go into the fabulosity of my friends once again, but I just don't have the words. I go though times where I am annoying, stressed, traumatized, and no longer remember or have time to be good to myself, much less to be a good friend, and still they love me and lend a helping hand/ear/boob. I am constantly amazed by the goodness I see in them. Ima do my best to live up to the love they continuously show me.

So since I have been wading though waist deep water for about 10 days, I don't have a helluvalot to blog about, but I know if I don't stay in the habit I will let myself give up the blogging thing. I enjoy doing it and I get a whole lot out of it, so I am not going to let go of this, one of the few things I do for me on a regular basis. Instead of another meme I'll just use my cop out from earlier in the week and post more pictures.

Lookit me getting a tattoo.
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Lookit Allie's tattoo.
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Lookit Allie being all hot and shit.
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More to come as soon as I can get the rest of the picutres on Photobucket.

Posted at 11:49 AM

07 June, 2005
Because I have no choice but to be a copycat.

Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band: it's an Al Green sorta day. I'll let the good Reverend speak for me. The things in parenthesis are part of the title of the song. Things in brackets are my words.

Describe yourself: Sha-la-la (Make Me Happy)

Are you male or female: Never Found a Girl [because I am one]

How do some people feel about you: Full of Fire

How do you feel about yourself: Here I Am (Come and Take Me)

Describe your ex lover: My Problem Is You

Describe your current lover: I'd Still Choose You

Describe where you want to be: Take Me To The River

Describe what you want to be: Simply Beautiful

Describe how you live: I Can't Stop

Describe how you love: Strong As Death, Sweet As Love

Share a few words of wisdom: [It's] Funny How Time Slips Away [so] Let's Stay Together [because of ] Love & Happiness [because] Look What You've Done For Me.

[And how much do we love that Belle calls me LaLa since the good Reverend has a song called La-La for You? I schooled that kid right from day one when it comes to Al Green. As if I'd have it any other way.]

Posted at 11:12 AM

06 June, 2005
Since I am at a loss for time (therefore the words will have to wait) I figured I'd leave you with a thousand in pictures.

Guess who turned 1 year old this past week?
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As it turns out, her actual first birthday was Auntie Lala day! I must say I loved each and every second of it. Plus, Auntie Lala and Uncle M were in attendance for her birthday party yesterday. A sweeter birthday girl has never been seen. Happy Birthday Missy B!

As soon as I figure out how to resize my images from my photo cd I'll show you some ink. Right now I'm helping to organize an Old Times Sake party for later on in the year. So...if you, or someone you know went to New Albany High School in the early 90's let me know. I'll putcha on the list. Make the trip home for Harvest Homecoming and see our old stomping grounds and help us reclaim our youth. If you are in this picture:
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or this picture:
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get in touch with me and I'll get Colleen to send you an evite. The party planning is starting this early so we can maximize our time to get as many people back together as possible and give any out of towners time to plan their own Harvest Homecoming. Just remember the doughnuts and gyros and apple dumplings. That'll be good incentive. Plus, you know you miss me.

Now I'm off to catch up on much needed housework. Someone come over here with a mop and bucket and help me.

Posted at 2:49 PM

01 June, 2005
Unfortunately, not that soon. There has been a family development that is going to cause me to be away from the computer for a while. I'm hoping it will be a very short while, but I have no promises. I will be away from home for a few days at the very least but I will have my cellphone with me in case I am needed.

Ya know what else I will have with me? My tattoo. Because I got it. SURE DID!!! I will also have my handy dandy notebook (it's like Blue's Clue's, but it's not) where I will be writing down a few entries to be posted as soon as I get back so that you too can enjoy the wondermousness that was our weekend. Let's just say that the first entry is titled, "I am fatter now than I was when I started this sentence." It will not even begin to cover the massive quantity of good food we consumed, but it might give you an idea of the amount of Fat Activities we perpetrated and the number of cows who gave their lives for us.

We will discuss my rock star hair and my new position of Barbie Doll Head of the Nummas at a later date, as well as the best beauty secret in the whole world. We will visit the Church of the Sacred Pink Thong, and answer the question "How many times can a small group of women go to Walgreen's in one short weekend?". But for now, I'm outta here. My ride will be here in 20 minutes. Call if you need me. Pray for me if you have a second.


Posted at 8:08 AM

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